A long, long lesson

My auntie Rodna told me about her cousins and aunt several months ago. She said her aunt married a new man and instantly stopped talking to her children. They were very close before. Their own mohter would close the door in their faces if they came by the house. The aunt at one point told her children that she was not interested in having a relationship with them anymore. She didn't attend her grandson's graduation ceremony, and so it continued on. Eventually the aunt's new husband became very, very ill and moved back in with his children in a neighboring state. The children of the aunt had no idea that their mother was living in a state of disrepair through a Minneapolis winter until a neighbor called them. He'd scoured the white pages and declared "Do you know how your mother is living? She's all alone!" The children came over to investigate and found their mother with the onset of Alzheimer's. They took her in and gave her care and filed for a POA for the mother.  I hope it doesn't end like this for us....

My friend has had a rocky relationship with her dad, but only because he was going through frontal lobe dementia at the time. She had to be so mature, to know he wasn't himself and to stop seeking fatherly advice or any type of emotional support from him. Ahh, so brave. I can be that brave.




If the estrangement can't be resolved, it is possible to accept the situation and go on and enjoy life. In the early stages of being estranged, this idea doesn't feel like an acceptable option. However, after all losses, whatever the cause, life does go on and it makes sense to go on and get back to living life with enjoyment.

To-do list

Sometimes  you feel like you're waiting for your life to get started or for your life to resume. Or for your life to do something else.  Most of the time you have exact control over when you do these things and how, and you can just do them.

Sometimes you are in a foreign country and you have to wait a day or two.

I've been away from my friends in Manila for a couple of days and away from everyone in the US for about 5 weeks. Upon my return to Minnesota, I'm going to:

-Kick it into high gear at work with a list of things to get done and meetings with other people and spreadsheets and problems to solve. I'm excited.  Strangely, yes, I'm excited to go back to work. I will have to spend about an hour organizing my thoughts to see what I remember

-Go to Trivia and see all of our friends
-Pet my dog for a hundred hours and give him all the kisses in the world
-Complete the expense report for all cash transactions from work. Sadly,this is hard to do because there were so very many cash transactions since no place will take your debit card here until you spend over 500 pesos, and even then...good luck.
-Complete my expense report for the small incidentals in the hotel, however few they were

-Divide out all of my souvenirs to determine which person should receive which gift
-load all of my photos on to the shutterfly book that I will make for this trip
-cry a lot because I love the people I've met here and I don't know how I'll react to being at home.
-Dust my house because I'll bet that hasn't been done for awhile
-DRIVE SOMEWHERE.  Will I still know how?
-organize the entire bookshelf and filing cabinet system in the basement
-organize all of the clothes that I have and get rid of them
-See my family down in Iowa and go be a bridesmaid in a great wedding
-walk around Lake Calhoun
-Cheer on Dan for his big 13.1 half marathon
-look at refi options for my mom

Quick Quote from a movie

Seems fitting.  All of my Manila stuff is over on my other blog now. I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting  for Dan to come.
Today I counted the hours from 28. To 18. To 15. To 13. Now it's a little more than 7 hours, but the typhoon is just starting to hit. Delay uncertain.

So, on to my quote from the movie "scent of a woman."

"Where's your father?"
"uhh, he left."
"oh, I'm sorry."
"It's ok. We don't get along very well."
"Oh. Well, why not?"
"uhh, I guess because he's an asshole."
"haha. That's ok. Every family has one."

For what does it profit a man if he gains a wife and loses his family?

I thought perhaps that the last email might have actually been written by my dad, but again, when I review it, I don't think it's him writing the entire email. I think the first part might be him, but I don't think the last part is. For one, he'd never call me smart.


So I was thinking about writing back, but really, it's just a waste of energy, akin to talking to a wall or screaming at the ocean or trying to get an ex-boyfriend to understand your side years later.

Instead, I'll just set the record straight for my mind, so at least I'll remember the truth.


1) My sister hasn't sent Bonnie any provoking texts at all and sent nothing before the message about "I'm going to have your Dad's real child." The day before Bonnie sent those messages was Prom for my sister and she didn't have anything to do with my dad at all before, after or during Prom.  Bonnie has texted things like that before to my sister, out of the blue, to get my sister to say something back so it looks like my sister instigated the text message warfare.  At any rate, my Dad is basically saying in the last message that Bonnie is allowed to send any type of hateful text to my sister at any time and he doesn't care.  Sounds classy, doesn't it?

2) I didn't ask my dad to come to KC to meet Bonnie and I left it as a closely guarded secret for over a month. Right before Thanksgiving-ish, my mom thought that Bonnie might have been pregnant back then, but she wasn't. I was defending Bonnie to my mom, insisting that she wasn't pregnant. Then my mom said, "How do you know?" and I said, "Because I've seen her." Oops. Of course that upset my mom, and she abruptly hung up on me.
Sort of an experience of being stuck in the middle.

3) My friend pointed out that when people are divorced and they both have children, information regarding the other spouse is going to flow back and forth. It's not possible to cut off contact with the other spouse entirely when you have children together. So what information did I provide, as some sort of spy? Does my dad even recognize how hated I was by my mother because I even bothered to still talk to him? Does he realize how many people I really did defend him to?
Oh well.
At any rate, it is funny that my mom knew that Bonnie was pregnant before my Dad did, but I had nothing to do with that. And I wasn't asking my Dad if he was having a kid just to tell my mom. I was asking because I thought it was quite queer for him to have a child at this age, especially for me to have another sibling.

Evidently these things are super secret knowlege:
1) My dad buying a house
2) My dad getting remarried

Did I tell them any other information? Nope. Did I have any other information? Nope.


I've always been more like my father than my mother, but at this point, I must just be happy that I'm not like either of them. When Dan and I actually do have children, I'll never disown my children for any reason. I'll never treat them the way both of my parents have treated me. It took so long for me to be sure that I could say that with confidence, but now I can.

I think the most ironic part is that both my Dad and I want to have children that can be given a happy life. It's just that I'm pretty sure he doesn't stand a chance of that, with all of the bitterness that seems to permeate his emails.

How does someone turn 50 years old and still end up none the wiser? I used to think my Dad would mellow out and be nicer at 50, but no cigar.

Hit me baby, one more time.

Once again, there is no respect at all for my feelings or my wishes. I have to hire lawyers and prepare to go to court to get anyone to listen to me and respect my requests. I've asked repeatedly that none of you send personal email to me at my work address, for fear of jeopardizing my employment . . . but no one listens. I guess my having a job isn't important to anyone. That's ironic, given no one contacts me unless it's to demand money. I've asked repeatedly that Jade stop sending mail to my family members . . . but no one listens. I've asked repeatedly that your mother stop rejecting certified mail that I send to her . . . but no one listens, until I take legal action. I will be broke before my next birthday, which will actually be good. No one can expect money from me after that.

Now I have communicated to you through my personal email account and asked repeatedly for you to stop this . . . but you don't listen. Do I have to seek legal action against you as well? Because I will, Rikki. You don't seem to appreciate the division of authority here: I am not your child. I do not have to answer to you.

If you are going to be an adult who's accountable for her actions, then stop making excuses for your behavior. If you'll remember, you called ME that day fishing around about Bonnie being pregnant. You were fishing for information for you MOTHER, because you said she had it "on good authority" that Bonnie was. I didn't know Bonnie was pregnant then. She was going to surprise me, but your inquiry spoiled that for us. You have a proven record of funneling personal, private information to your mother and everyone else. Remember when we first came down to KC? You begged me not to tell anyone that we were there, then turned around and told your MOTHER about the visit anyway. 

**** For the record, this isn't true******

Please don't make me list all the times you have betrayed my trust. Supported me? No, Rikki. You are your mother's puppet.

Finally, I wish you would stop rescuing Jade. You are a smart woman; you should understand there are two sides to every story. You have no idea what Jade has done, and continues to do, to provoke Bonnie and deliver poison and stress to our lives. If Bonnie responds angrily to Jade's provocations and abuse, I fully support her. Because I know Jade only relays selective details to you and everyone else. I am not ignorant, thank you. I have seen enough from my children in the course of the last two years to feel ashamed beyond comprehension.

My dream would be to have a child with Bonnie. Yes, a "real" child who grows up observing kindness and love instead of abuse and hate. A child who sees his or her mother love their father with all her heart. That never happened before. I pray it will for me now.

I am happy in my life, Rikki. The happiest I've ever been. You don't seem to understand that notion, and for that I feel sorry FOR YOU. If nothing else, I wish you could be satisfied that your Dad is finally loved and cared for and adored and HAPPY. Leave it at that, will you?

I'm done now. I will not respond to another email from you. I have asked that you not contact me again as well. We have both made our choice.

Dad

My final response

Oh well. You can have both, you know. You can have your children be
part of your life and have your wife. You just choose to believe that
it's one or the other. But I know so many people who have found
happiness with a second marriage that doesn't come at the cost of the
relationship with their children.

I'm not saying that you have to report ********to the
whole world. But you definitely don't have the right to say that I'm
lying about ******* or that I made it up.

Bonnie had NO RIGHT to tell Jade she wasn't your real child, and
that's where the gap in the relationship with the rest of your family
will fall. You can blame me for it, but in my world, true adults own
up to their actions. I don't see her owning up to anything. It's so
much easier for her to tell you that we're all terrible children who
are evil and wicked to you than for her to recognize her own
insecurities and mistakes. I feel so sorry for you.

If you want to pretend like I don't exist, and write off entire parts
of Jade and Ryan's life, I guess I can't stop you, but I certainly
felt that I had the obligation to try--again.  How exactly do you
imagine this will play out? We just ignore you for the rest of our
lives and you do the same? I've watched that play out for Dan's
family. Dan had a grandfather his entire life that he never met. It
pains me to imagine that our children will have the same, but again,
it's your choice. Definitely not something I'd choose, but I guess in
that sense I'm lucky that you haven't influenced me. Maybe Jade and
Ryan are better off. :)

Their response, 3

I should have known you wouldn't respect my wishes to stop this. Why should I expect respect from any of you, when you have learned first-hand from the years of living with your mother how to DISrespect me so very well?

 

What happens in my life is private, Rikki. I am not required to report to you or reveal details about the personal, intimate relationship I have with my WIFE. The last time I checked, I am a grown man and I do not have to report to my (adult) children.

 

You had no right to publicly attack Bonnie on the Internet. That sole act has caused the damage to our family that you now bemoan. I do blame you, and that is final. Your so-called "support" of me has gone only as far as serving as your mother's spy. Family counseling? No, Rikki. We are through.

 

For once in my life, I am HAPPY. I love Bonnie, and I'm deeply sorry if you don't understand that. But again, I do not have to answer to you, nor will I. Bonnie, frankly, is the one who deserves my protection. She is the only person in my life who has EVER loved me. And no, this is not Bonnie typing . . . it is me, Rikki. These are MY words and I'm asking you to respect them, however futile that request may be.

 

Please, again, let me live my life and be happy.

Dad