For what does it profit a man if he gains a wife and loses his family?

I thought perhaps that the last email might have actually been written by my dad, but again, when I review it, I don't think it's him writing the entire email. I think the first part might be him, but I don't think the last part is. For one, he'd never call me smart.


So I was thinking about writing back, but really, it's just a waste of energy, akin to talking to a wall or screaming at the ocean or trying to get an ex-boyfriend to understand your side years later.

Instead, I'll just set the record straight for my mind, so at least I'll remember the truth.


1) My sister hasn't sent Bonnie any provoking texts at all and sent nothing before the message about "I'm going to have your Dad's real child." The day before Bonnie sent those messages was Prom for my sister and she didn't have anything to do with my dad at all before, after or during Prom.  Bonnie has texted things like that before to my sister, out of the blue, to get my sister to say something back so it looks like my sister instigated the text message warfare.  At any rate, my Dad is basically saying in the last message that Bonnie is allowed to send any type of hateful text to my sister at any time and he doesn't care.  Sounds classy, doesn't it?

2) I didn't ask my dad to come to KC to meet Bonnie and I left it as a closely guarded secret for over a month. Right before Thanksgiving-ish, my mom thought that Bonnie might have been pregnant back then, but she wasn't. I was defending Bonnie to my mom, insisting that she wasn't pregnant. Then my mom said, "How do you know?" and I said, "Because I've seen her." Oops. Of course that upset my mom, and she abruptly hung up on me.
Sort of an experience of being stuck in the middle.

3) My friend pointed out that when people are divorced and they both have children, information regarding the other spouse is going to flow back and forth. It's not possible to cut off contact with the other spouse entirely when you have children together. So what information did I provide, as some sort of spy? Does my dad even recognize how hated I was by my mother because I even bothered to still talk to him? Does he realize how many people I really did defend him to?
Oh well.
At any rate, it is funny that my mom knew that Bonnie was pregnant before my Dad did, but I had nothing to do with that. And I wasn't asking my Dad if he was having a kid just to tell my mom. I was asking because I thought it was quite queer for him to have a child at this age, especially for me to have another sibling.

Evidently these things are super secret knowlege:
1) My dad buying a house
2) My dad getting remarried

Did I tell them any other information? Nope. Did I have any other information? Nope.


I've always been more like my father than my mother, but at this point, I must just be happy that I'm not like either of them. When Dan and I actually do have children, I'll never disown my children for any reason. I'll never treat them the way both of my parents have treated me. It took so long for me to be sure that I could say that with confidence, but now I can.

I think the most ironic part is that both my Dad and I want to have children that can be given a happy life. It's just that I'm pretty sure he doesn't stand a chance of that, with all of the bitterness that seems to permeate his emails.

How does someone turn 50 years old and still end up none the wiser? I used to think my Dad would mellow out and be nicer at 50, but no cigar.

Hit me baby, one more time.

Once again, there is no respect at all for my feelings or my wishes. I have to hire lawyers and prepare to go to court to get anyone to listen to me and respect my requests. I've asked repeatedly that none of you send personal email to me at my work address, for fear of jeopardizing my employment . . . but no one listens. I guess my having a job isn't important to anyone. That's ironic, given no one contacts me unless it's to demand money. I've asked repeatedly that Jade stop sending mail to my family members . . . but no one listens. I've asked repeatedly that your mother stop rejecting certified mail that I send to her . . . but no one listens, until I take legal action. I will be broke before my next birthday, which will actually be good. No one can expect money from me after that.

Now I have communicated to you through my personal email account and asked repeatedly for you to stop this . . . but you don't listen. Do I have to seek legal action against you as well? Because I will, Rikki. You don't seem to appreciate the division of authority here: I am not your child. I do not have to answer to you.

If you are going to be an adult who's accountable for her actions, then stop making excuses for your behavior. If you'll remember, you called ME that day fishing around about Bonnie being pregnant. You were fishing for information for you MOTHER, because you said she had it "on good authority" that Bonnie was. I didn't know Bonnie was pregnant then. She was going to surprise me, but your inquiry spoiled that for us. You have a proven record of funneling personal, private information to your mother and everyone else. Remember when we first came down to KC? You begged me not to tell anyone that we were there, then turned around and told your MOTHER about the visit anyway. 

**** For the record, this isn't true******

Please don't make me list all the times you have betrayed my trust. Supported me? No, Rikki. You are your mother's puppet.

Finally, I wish you would stop rescuing Jade. You are a smart woman; you should understand there are two sides to every story. You have no idea what Jade has done, and continues to do, to provoke Bonnie and deliver poison and stress to our lives. If Bonnie responds angrily to Jade's provocations and abuse, I fully support her. Because I know Jade only relays selective details to you and everyone else. I am not ignorant, thank you. I have seen enough from my children in the course of the last two years to feel ashamed beyond comprehension.

My dream would be to have a child with Bonnie. Yes, a "real" child who grows up observing kindness and love instead of abuse and hate. A child who sees his or her mother love their father with all her heart. That never happened before. I pray it will for me now.

I am happy in my life, Rikki. The happiest I've ever been. You don't seem to understand that notion, and for that I feel sorry FOR YOU. If nothing else, I wish you could be satisfied that your Dad is finally loved and cared for and adored and HAPPY. Leave it at that, will you?

I'm done now. I will not respond to another email from you. I have asked that you not contact me again as well. We have both made our choice.

Dad

My final response

Oh well. You can have both, you know. You can have your children be
part of your life and have your wife. You just choose to believe that
it's one or the other. But I know so many people who have found
happiness with a second marriage that doesn't come at the cost of the
relationship with their children.

I'm not saying that you have to report ********to the
whole world. But you definitely don't have the right to say that I'm
lying about ******* or that I made it up.

Bonnie had NO RIGHT to tell Jade she wasn't your real child, and
that's where the gap in the relationship with the rest of your family
will fall. You can blame me for it, but in my world, true adults own
up to their actions. I don't see her owning up to anything. It's so
much easier for her to tell you that we're all terrible children who
are evil and wicked to you than for her to recognize her own
insecurities and mistakes. I feel so sorry for you.

If you want to pretend like I don't exist, and write off entire parts
of Jade and Ryan's life, I guess I can't stop you, but I certainly
felt that I had the obligation to try--again.  How exactly do you
imagine this will play out? We just ignore you for the rest of our
lives and you do the same? I've watched that play out for Dan's
family. Dan had a grandfather his entire life that he never met. It
pains me to imagine that our children will have the same, but again,
it's your choice. Definitely not something I'd choose, but I guess in
that sense I'm lucky that you haven't influenced me. Maybe Jade and
Ryan are better off. :)

Their response, 3

I should have known you wouldn't respect my wishes to stop this. Why should I expect respect from any of you, when you have learned first-hand from the years of living with your mother how to DISrespect me so very well?

 

What happens in my life is private, Rikki. I am not required to report to you or reveal details about the personal, intimate relationship I have with my WIFE. The last time I checked, I am a grown man and I do not have to report to my (adult) children.

 

You had no right to publicly attack Bonnie on the Internet. That sole act has caused the damage to our family that you now bemoan. I do blame you, and that is final. Your so-called "support" of me has gone only as far as serving as your mother's spy. Family counseling? No, Rikki. We are through.

 

For once in my life, I am HAPPY. I love Bonnie, and I'm deeply sorry if you don't understand that. But again, I do not have to answer to you, nor will I. Bonnie, frankly, is the one who deserves my protection. She is the only person in my life who has EVER loved me. And no, this is not Bonnie typing . . . it is me, Rikki. These are MY words and I'm asking you to respect them, however futile that request may be.

 

Please, again, let me live my life and be happy.

Dad

My response.

Why do you feel the need to write off your children so quickly? I'm
really sorry for *******. But I don't think you needed to
lie to me about it or somehow insinuate that I had anything to do with
it. Why not just mention that yes, *********?
Why act like I made up the entire story or that it wasn't true? Why
even tell Grandpa that it wasn't true?

I understand that you're upset and I certainly don't want to make you
even angrier, but I still don't understand why you think not
contacting your kids or being in their lives in a good idea. What have
I done to make you feel this way? Dan and I did everything to be
supportive. Why cut Greg out of your life? Why cut Jade and Ryan out?
Is it really worth it to you? I can't possibly imagine a situation in
my life where I could *EVER* cut a family member out of my life. I
don't understand how you can. I mean, (really personal shit that I can't post here) and I still talk to
her because I realize that people make mistakes and move on. People
are greater than the sum of their worst act, if you believe in Christ.
 Please reevaluate what you're doing. Dan and I keep losing family
members, every year someone close to us dies and every time it
happens, our family shrinks. I can't imagine wanting to cut out a
living family member like this. It hurts too much when they actually
die and it really is time that you don't get back.   I'm absolutely
willing to go to any kind of family counseling to repair this
relationship. What I'm not willing to do is let any kind of stubborn
sense of pride let you continue to pretend like I'm dead. I'm a
living, breathing person that you raised. Why throw that all away?

The response from the sender, version 3.

I apologize for the typo, RIKKI. But I am upset and now you have really crossed the line with your abusive tone and warped sense of reality.

Bonnie *******, by the way. I hope that makes all of you extremely happy, as I know you will parrot that update right back to your mother in a matter of minutes.

Please respect my request and stop contacting me, NOW. I've had enough. We are through.

Dad

My reply (Note how the writer spelled my name incorrectly in the last post)

an, I never knew my Dad would spell my name wrong. Are you sure this
is my Dad? The dad I know is very careful with spelling and absolutely
knows how to spell my name properly.

I am sorry that I posted on facebook the text message that Bonnie sent
to Jade about Jade not being your real child. I hope she wants to
apologize to Jade for even sending it in the first place. It's
exceptionally sick to say something like that to Bonnie.

I'm sorry my friends said they wanted to punch Bonnie, but I didn't
say those things and I don't need to apologize for them. I think
you're just seeing a generational gap in what's a joke on facebook.
Bonnie told me by text that she was pregnant--and that's a lie. Does
she want to aplogize for lying to me?

I think you were just looking for an excuse to cut me out of your
life. I think you made the wrong choice. I guess you don't want to
hear it and you want to imagine your life differently. I'll just
remind you of the facts: I supported you during the divorce, I
defended you to every single member of the family, I bought you a
wedding present when you got married, I met your new girlfriend and
bought her lunch and let her into our lives with Dan.  You think that
I'm not being decent to her, but I haven't even done anything or seen
her at all.

Instead, you cut me out of your family plans for Christmas and
Thanksgiving. You said I was using you when we visited for our 10 year
HS reunion. I just don't understand, but I know it's because Bonnie
just wants to imagine that her kids are yours and doesn't care that
you already have children.

Again, I wanted to emphasize the signs of a controlling and
manipulative relationship:

Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time
your partner's name comes up? *Red flags should go up if everyone who
cares about you is getting worried or is being pushed away.*

Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends,
have they ever said something about your new boyfriend that made you
stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't
have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what
your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red
flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually
through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just
enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to
get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.

Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If
your partner is protective of you, that's sweet. If he's bizarrely,
overly protective, it's scary.

A controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect - your
friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will
actually see her treat them in a dismissive way.

 

Their response, 2

Well, Riki, you are wrong. Do NOT contact me again unless you are ready to be decent and respectful to me and my wife.

My response, Number 1

I don't believe that my dad really said this. I am pretty sure that
it's Bonnie typing this email.

- Show quoted text -

Emails from my Dad

So--you tell me, Gentle Reader.
Who is really writing these emails? Bonnie or my Dad?

They'll be in order of delivery, but as you read them, they might appear backwards.

First email is me just sending 6 photos of Philippines to my dad. One of them was a Shakey's restaurant because we always used to go there when I was little.


After I sent it, I got this email back:

Rikki,

 

Do not contact me. Until you apologize to my wife for your public abuse of her, and the subsequent physical threats she received, you are dead to me.

I believe I made that clear once before.

-Dad