That line is somewhat garbled, but it comes from The Parent Trap 3, where there were triplets all pretending to be each other for good or for evil and then trying to explain it at the end to their respective boyfriends.
It's also sort of how I feel on my blog. I want to write about what I'm really thinking and feeling and developing and sharing, but those days are past. For 1, nobody wants to read that shit and for 2, it's all so much better with pictures and snippets. We do all digest our content in 140 character moments that are witty and that means our blogs are shorter and sweeter and probably more people read them than they would if I detailed my last counseling appointment here.
That's the part that really sucks. I feel like I can't even really say that I publicly go to counseling because of the stigma that surrounds it and because I don't want people to think I'm a freak. But holy hell. I have been through a lot and need a way to process it if I'm ever going to come out on the right side of everything.
I also feel like the friends that I have that know what has happened sort of think it's time to just move on and get over it and I agree--and I have. But there's also a bunch of stuff that I can't share or haven't shared with anyone and thus I am still in counseling, talking about life.
Here's the part where I get nervous. Should I go back and delete that last paragraph? Does anyone need to know? What if my parents see this?
I will leave it up for a few hours to see how I feel about it later. I can leave this entry with one moment, where my therapist said that talking about things and recapping them doesn't actually always make it better. For many 9/11 survivors, talking about it made it a lot worse, they felt even more imprisoned by their grief and emotions. We definitely didn't want me to feel that way and luckily, it hasn't felt that way yet.
But it also feels different and scary and I feel brave and afraid and vulnerable and strong all at the same time. And I want to talk about it with my friends, but I can't, mostly because most people in the world are not ready to handle that depth of experience. However, I do have some really good friends who have been through hell and I think they get it. At some point, I think almost everyone can truly say they've experienced trauma and survived, but I also fear that by sharing my stories, other people will scoff and tell me something 100x worse about their lives, and then I will compare myself to them and wonder why I needed therapy to move on and they didn't. In the past, I've made that point, but the thing I've forgotten is that many of them are also injured in some way and thus my experience cannot be compared to theirs.
Really, this entire blog post can be tied back to Dessa show, since I saw her live and realized I had so many things to still discuss.
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