February does indeed truly suck

It's been 3 long years since I've been seized with the impossible February blues, the kind where you want to do ANYTHING to escape the winter doldrums, anything to change your job, where you live, and the philosophy of life.  And since it's been 3 years, I forgot to recognize what was happening to me.  The black depression swept in, fed me all sorts of lies about myself and my future. Depression provides an old promise to me, a repetitive stanza that became poetry. Yes, I will be happier if I just end it now, the infinite human sleep is relaxing, soothing, and without pain. It's stupid to keep living in pain, and it's ok to say goodbye to it. In fact, I deserve to say goodbye to it, because how can it be ethical to force someone to suffer. After all, haven't I already suffered enough? Isn't it fair for me to just put everything in order,  explain it in writing, and then just ease gently into darkness and permanence of death?  Sometimes the lie will show me the after-life, which I tell myself is just like "What Dreams May Come" and not just an oblivion where my consciousness ends.

This is so very 2003, isn't it? People know so much about depression now, it's really just sort of old news.  People don't really want to read about it or hear about it and shouldn't the "afflicted" just get some help and some Prozac? Answer: YES!

But it doesn't stop the repetitive lie, or the awkward feelings when I'm around other people while feeling like this.  Ugh. Sometimes I feel like there is no escape, it's rude to blow off plans with friends, it's impossible to explain to someone, so I just end up sitting around people, feeling even worse about myself because I don't feel like absorbing their jokes that aren't funny. And then I know the other people think I'm a boring lump of space and feel even more self-conscious. The whole thing becomes an impossible situation for me. I even force myself to snap out of it and become cheerful, but I just don't find the same things funny as everyone else does.  Which makes me just want to retreat from these people and sleep it off. :shrug:




Not all is futile, of course. There are still people that I adore and things that I love to do in February. Last night there was a Saturday night dance party and it was one helluva fun time. I drove by Lake Calhoun and saw a golden frozen lake, I swear, it was heaven. I begged my friend to stop with me and walk across it, but it was too cold and she was not interested.
So, I will just post a photo of it for you to enjoy. I promise it was lovelier than this photo.