Another voice

So while writing destroys my voice, while writing for a public audience changes the honesty and true emotions of the speaker, it must be done, regardless.

I had an unexpected call from the doctor this week--a test that I figured I'd breeze through came back inconclusive. Twice. I sat on the phone while my nurse said "Well, you seem to be handling this well."
"yes, it's because you're telling me at work, with a bunch of people around, and I can't say what I really am thinking right now, which is HOLY LORD I AM GOING TO DIE."

So instead I said yes, I'll come in early Tuesday, and you can slurp away a 10th vial of blood from my arm and I won't think you're a vampire.

I spent the evening googling for other people who have inconclusive results, found out it's common in my situation, and thought not to worry. Almost everyone comes back with the real result the third time, on the PCR. So don't despair.

Then there's always that nagging voice in the back of the head, that says "no, no, your result will be the bad one. You are going to DIE. You deserve this bad result because earlier this week you mocked someone having a bad week, because you knew their week wasn't really that bad, that they were being dramatic. You deserve this because you should have been nicer. You don't deserve happiness."

Or there's the voice that says "Having this would change your life, not end it. You'd go on and just be a little different."

And then there's logic, which says inconclusive happens all the time, no big deal.

I just wish I knew now and I wish that I didnt have it hanging over my head for the  entire July 4th holiday. It's a little weird pretending everything is OK with something like this hanging over me, but I remember that cancer results are much scarier and much more lethal. I shouldn't complain.