Christmas 4

We just finished up Christmas 4.
Though my aunt and uncle have two kittens and one giant puppy, the giant puppy went to the kennel and the kitties were locked in the basement. The house was fumigated and my allergies were crystal clear.  We watched "A League of Their Own", stupid youtube videos, and the magical fireplace movie channel. (Everyone who has cable has this channel, though I've never tried it out myself.)
This year was a lucky year, because we got to see everyone a few months ago at the wedding and then again at Christmas. I missed my family!

Christmas 3 was with my brother and sister at my mom's house.  We got a few movies, an ISU blanket, ISU Tshirts and some lotion.

Christmas 2 was in Dubuque, IA. It was lovely, too. We had a board game exchange--I went WAY over the gift limit hoping that two of the cousin sets on that side would get the game. Nope. It went to my cousin's girlfriend. She doesn't care about the game and probably won't be dating him next year, so I was mad that I wasted the extra money and secretly wished she'd give it to the other cousins that I really wanted to have the present. Morale of the story: If you want to buy a specific present, give it to that person. Do not hope (futilely) that the right person will get your present.

 Christmas 2 was lovely, of course. I missed my grandma a lot and we all kept thinking she was there. Phantom Grandma. But I remembered the nice parts of my grandmother, which is all you can do when someone you love passes away.  We stayed at a hotel this year because every single house was full (this has never happened before.) That part was awesome--and we had a drink  at the hotel bar where Country Karaoke was the primary theme. Natch.  The finale was when one person sang "Lucille." So, of course I had to chime in. The drinks might have helped me there.  I went for a fast run on the treadmill and weighed myself at an all-time record high.  Desperate and urgent time for a change. (again again again again). My cousin from California was back and I hadn't seen him since he was 3--he's now 9.  His dad (mom's brother) married a Filipino and thus also went to Philippines in 2004. We talked about Colonialism, the spread of Catholicism and America's destruction prior to the Japanese arrival.  Since we also went to the same tourist attractions, we had a lot to talk about. Intramurous, Tagatay.   

Which brings me back to Christmas 1--Dan's family last weekend. I've already blogged about that, so the blog is now over.

Blessed year

I had a blessed year. Philippines, new house, and now, at the end of 2012, a new job. Relief. I'm moving over to the dark side.  A few people have called me a traitor. I'll be on a locked floor right by the real desk/street traders doing Employee Stock Option Exercises (and a bunch of other stuff). Lots of new stuff to learn soon.

Christmas back in Iowa was lovely. Dan's family is funny and witty and I think this time, for the first time, we really felt like family. Jeff gave me a hug for the first time EVER and I realized that even if we're all damaged in some way, even though so few of us are really related at this point, it doesn't matter.  

Then Auntie gave everyone $20.00

I'm not sure what to give kids that live in Rural Iowa for Christmas. There's no Target. There's no store where they can return something if they don't like it. I feel like they need so many things that even buying one unuseful present is a waste.
So this year, Auntie Rikki is giving everyone $20.00. Hope they like it.

The time has come for me to apply for new jobs internally again. I had an interview today and have a different interview tomorrow. Third position interview to come soon, I hope.  We will hope this round is successful with a promotion. I'm not entirely sure I want to leave my position right now, honestly. I like my boss and I like what I do, but my boss was promoted and I might soon be working with a mean boss instead. I want to get out before that happens. :)

*sigh*

First time for repeating yourself

This weekend I was in a mosh pit. While it surprised an old friend, it wasn't my first or second or even third time doing so. Maybe it was my 4th. Sadly it was short lived as I fell quite hard on my left knee.  Big bruise photo to follow soon, of course.  I can still walk and everything, but it was swollen and painful enough today that running wasn't an option at all.

I can't express how lovely this weekend was. I had the holidazzle parade on Friday night where we collected $$ before the parade for the Emergency Food Pantry. Squeezed in a few minutes at the bar with Kaili, Dave and Brian.  Mexican dinner to follow with Kari, Dave, Megan, Mike and Dan.  Then I crashed at home instead of going to Stephanie's party while I waited for Dan's show to end. Saturday we continued demolition of the planter, went out with Mark, Mark, Liz, Sarah and Bith.  Then we went to the Pantera tribute show, moshed, met up with Beckah, Smallz, Schlomer and more of their friends. Stayed up until 4 AM, went back for more drinks at the VFW and then came home, slept and played games with Kassi.

I know no one cares who I was with or where I was, but it was lovely to be with so many old college friends.  I'm glad we moved away and found new stuff, but it's also really good to be back with people who know you and remember every stupid story from 5-6 years ago and catch up on people's lives.

No, I didn't do the laundry or much cleaning. I didn't do the Christmas shopping that I'd expected. But we know I wasn't going to

Running group

I think this is our 4th or 5th Wednesday of running group.  <3 running.
We are definitely running in the dark and the separate lanes are gone now. The bikers and runners just share the only plowed lane now, but it still works until I get yaktrax or they plow the other lane. I think they keep it snow covered for the cross-country skiers. Anyway, I brought my new headlamp and my new facemask and ran,  successfully. Of course, now I'm tired b/c it's 815 PM and I still have to clean before the party. Whoosh.

My mouse is a spaz

I've dropped my laptop so many times that this last one has irrevocably sent my mouse into automove. I know that's not a word. It's like my computer is possessed. Luckily, it can be repaired, but still--quite annoying. 

Today I shoveled my first snow in MInnesota. We have the world's smallest driveway, specially chosen because shoveling snow sucks. Today I walked to a movie and finally went to the indie cinema here. It was lovely & Dan and I celebrated it with Indian food. "As spicy as you can make it." It was spicy, but didn't come near enough to killing me as I thought it would.

So we came home and I finally put the office together after 3 months of being in the house. Dan put our DVD rack together. I put away tons of blankets and papers and random junk from the past. Soon we'll start demolishing the indoor planter system the prior prior owners built and build our own wet bar.

Bartles had his trivia party, with a good turn-out. My category was world leaders, so I'll leave with the world leader trivia question:

Well, I would leave you with them, but my mouse won't let me copy/paste.
The answers are:
Stalin
Boutros Boutros Gahli
Congo
Nicolae Carpathia
Thunderbirds.

Now you guess the question!

5K Reindeer Run

Last year, I attended the 5k Reindeer run with some of my coworkers at Lake Harriet. That's where I first met Tim, who was also assigned to the Philippines with us. I'd driven in from Burnsville and cursed the snow, which was making my drive pretty slippery and nasty. Additionally, I cursed waking up early and felt bad for Dan, because he was so sick.

I parked far away last time, because it was crowded, and when I got to the race, I realized I didn't look like the rest of the group. For one, I was missing a Christmas costume, for 2, my outfit made it clear that I wasn't a runner well-prepared for Minnesota's December race. No one else was wearing their winter coat. They all had pretty under-armour for that!   But the starting gates went off, and then I ran and ran and ran. I was quite miserable last year, overheating, changing my coat, and running my slowest 5K time ever.  Did I mention the path was covered with 6 inches of loosely packed snow? Felt like we were running on sand.  I felt too guilty after leaving Dan home sick that I went back to be with him and skipped the post-run breakfast.

But this year, I was prepared. Dan wasn't sick, either, and he joined me. We wore all of our new out-door running stuff in Minnesota. We got there over an hour early, so we went home and then came back. We had no snow on the ground at all and our drive was only 10 minutes. While still parking far from the race, we got there in just the right amount of time to run and crossed the gates at 2:25 into the race, still in the thick of the pack.

I started running really fast from the beginning. I wanted to get under 36 minutes, which I knew was possible from my training. But I couldn't walk much to do it and I definitely couldn't let something like tying my shoes again slow me down. So I wanted to run as fast as I could. It was a hard race. I walked a LOT more than I was expecting. I felt like crying at the second hill and when I was only 1.5 miles in, I felt terrible. It almost felt like mile 24 of the marathon!  I paused to walk even more and watched some people pass me. Dan was gone and I really wanted my ipod again or something to distract me, so I played Amanda Palmer's music.

And then.....The Marine Corp came bolting up behind us. They were running in good speed and it reminded me of a line from a book that sometimes becomes my running mantra (A Welsh unit came marching by in good order.--It's just describing the march to the sea from WWII and everyone is exhausted. They see this unit march by them in good order and they're somehow renewed). So I picked up my speed a bit with the Marine Corp, and kept going until the finish line. I felt miserable, but a little better.

After a veer to the left, the race clock was in view. I saw it say 34:33. I smiled. I ran faster to the finish line and got in at 35:02. Oh, yeah, and I started at 2:25 as mentioned earlier, making my time under 33 minutes. 33 was about as fast as I thought I could ever do it, and last night, I was dreaming of it.

I know this isn't a fast time for a lot of people, but it was fast for me. I'm fat and out of shape. I've always been slow! I plan to pick up my speed a lot this winer. I might even start biking to work.  I can't wait to do it in 25 -28 minute next year!

Dan turned 30

Yep. He's 30 now.
Dan is neither gray nor balding (much)
Dan is a righteous dude with a lot of good friends, a home-brewer, and a guy that still loves addictinggames.com
Dan was promoted on Thursday before his Birthday Vacation.

I bought a kegging system for his birthday, made a birthday cake and paid for a bunch of drinks and food at the bar. We had everyone over and played a ton of games. Horray.

Digital List of Chores

Here it is, digital

Clean kitchen
clean mirrors, bathtub and toilet
wash the dog
vacuum basement
do some laundry

Ok, that's not so bad. I can do this. 

Philippines

I still miss it. I love how everything changes, how you can see a skyscraper and a wild chicken at the same time. I love how pure hearted everyone was, how unjaded they were. I love the promise of the country, I love the gray sunrise that was more amazing than any sunrise back home. I loved feeling like I was in Gotham city, eating Starbucks and fast food every day. I love how dirty things were and how crowded it was all the time. I love the hotel staff and the taxi drivers who tried to rip us off everywhere. I love the people that I worked with, their accents, their camaraderie. I loved the way we were there.  I loved the person I was and now that I'm home, I hate going back to the person that I used to be.

Big Girl Panties

Ok, really, I have no right to complain about anything. So consider this post as me not complaining. I'm just stating that there are some things that are freaking me out in Kansas City House and I'm trying oh so hard to not freak out.
I guess there are lines that you draw regarding things you're afraid of and when you cross them, you have to be so much braver than you were before.
So I'm putting on my big girl panties. After this, really, there's not much left for me to be afraid of.  Maybe it will be limited to external situations like "gunshots" "Kidnapping" "auto accidents" and "something bad happening to Dan."

hahaha. Ironically, I'm thinking about the character Reek in Game of Thrones right now.

DONE!

Stuff is done on my to-do list. I can't believe I accomplished everything. V is for Victory.

The lagging things, of course, are the clothes re-organization, which I will just say isn't possible until I figure out what my weight should be after this trip and diet fluctuations.

And the filing cabinet downstairs isn't quite under my control yet. 2 houses, 2 sets of owners manuals, insurance shit and 3 bazillion different brokerage account statements will all take a bit of time. That's what winter is for, I think.

Wedding weekend. I can't wait to pack my suitcase for another round of travel. (ok, that's sarcasm, but I can't wait for the wedding.)

A long, long lesson

My auntie Rodna told me about her cousins and aunt several months ago. She said her aunt married a new man and instantly stopped talking to her children. They were very close before. Their own mohter would close the door in their faces if they came by the house. The aunt at one point told her children that she was not interested in having a relationship with them anymore. She didn't attend her grandson's graduation ceremony, and so it continued on. Eventually the aunt's new husband became very, very ill and moved back in with his children in a neighboring state. The children of the aunt had no idea that their mother was living in a state of disrepair through a Minneapolis winter until a neighbor called them. He'd scoured the white pages and declared "Do you know how your mother is living? She's all alone!" The children came over to investigate and found their mother with the onset of Alzheimer's. They took her in and gave her care and filed for a POA for the mother.  I hope it doesn't end like this for us....

My friend has had a rocky relationship with her dad, but only because he was going through frontal lobe dementia at the time. She had to be so mature, to know he wasn't himself and to stop seeking fatherly advice or any type of emotional support from him. Ahh, so brave. I can be that brave.




If the estrangement can't be resolved, it is possible to accept the situation and go on and enjoy life. In the early stages of being estranged, this idea doesn't feel like an acceptable option. However, after all losses, whatever the cause, life does go on and it makes sense to go on and get back to living life with enjoyment.

To-do list

Sometimes  you feel like you're waiting for your life to get started or for your life to resume. Or for your life to do something else.  Most of the time you have exact control over when you do these things and how, and you can just do them.

Sometimes you are in a foreign country and you have to wait a day or two.

I've been away from my friends in Manila for a couple of days and away from everyone in the US for about 5 weeks. Upon my return to Minnesota, I'm going to:

-Kick it into high gear at work with a list of things to get done and meetings with other people and spreadsheets and problems to solve. I'm excited.  Strangely, yes, I'm excited to go back to work. I will have to spend about an hour organizing my thoughts to see what I remember

-Go to Trivia and see all of our friends
-Pet my dog for a hundred hours and give him all the kisses in the world
-Complete the expense report for all cash transactions from work. Sadly,this is hard to do because there were so very many cash transactions since no place will take your debit card here until you spend over 500 pesos, and even then...good luck.
-Complete my expense report for the small incidentals in the hotel, however few they were

-Divide out all of my souvenirs to determine which person should receive which gift
-load all of my photos on to the shutterfly book that I will make for this trip
-cry a lot because I love the people I've met here and I don't know how I'll react to being at home.
-Dust my house because I'll bet that hasn't been done for awhile
-DRIVE SOMEWHERE.  Will I still know how?
-organize the entire bookshelf and filing cabinet system in the basement
-organize all of the clothes that I have and get rid of them
-See my family down in Iowa and go be a bridesmaid in a great wedding
-walk around Lake Calhoun
-Cheer on Dan for his big 13.1 half marathon
-look at refi options for my mom

Quick Quote from a movie

Seems fitting.  All of my Manila stuff is over on my other blog now. I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting  for Dan to come.
Today I counted the hours from 28. To 18. To 15. To 13. Now it's a little more than 7 hours, but the typhoon is just starting to hit. Delay uncertain.

So, on to my quote from the movie "scent of a woman."

"Where's your father?"
"uhh, he left."
"oh, I'm sorry."
"It's ok. We don't get along very well."
"Oh. Well, why not?"
"uhh, I guess because he's an asshole."
"haha. That's ok. Every family has one."

For what does it profit a man if he gains a wife and loses his family?

I thought perhaps that the last email might have actually been written by my dad, but again, when I review it, I don't think it's him writing the entire email. I think the first part might be him, but I don't think the last part is. For one, he'd never call me smart.


So I was thinking about writing back, but really, it's just a waste of energy, akin to talking to a wall or screaming at the ocean or trying to get an ex-boyfriend to understand your side years later.

Instead, I'll just set the record straight for my mind, so at least I'll remember the truth.


1) My sister hasn't sent Bonnie any provoking texts at all and sent nothing before the message about "I'm going to have your Dad's real child." The day before Bonnie sent those messages was Prom for my sister and she didn't have anything to do with my dad at all before, after or during Prom.  Bonnie has texted things like that before to my sister, out of the blue, to get my sister to say something back so it looks like my sister instigated the text message warfare.  At any rate, my Dad is basically saying in the last message that Bonnie is allowed to send any type of hateful text to my sister at any time and he doesn't care.  Sounds classy, doesn't it?

2) I didn't ask my dad to come to KC to meet Bonnie and I left it as a closely guarded secret for over a month. Right before Thanksgiving-ish, my mom thought that Bonnie might have been pregnant back then, but she wasn't. I was defending Bonnie to my mom, insisting that she wasn't pregnant. Then my mom said, "How do you know?" and I said, "Because I've seen her." Oops. Of course that upset my mom, and she abruptly hung up on me.
Sort of an experience of being stuck in the middle.

3) My friend pointed out that when people are divorced and they both have children, information regarding the other spouse is going to flow back and forth. It's not possible to cut off contact with the other spouse entirely when you have children together. So what information did I provide, as some sort of spy? Does my dad even recognize how hated I was by my mother because I even bothered to still talk to him? Does he realize how many people I really did defend him to?
Oh well.
At any rate, it is funny that my mom knew that Bonnie was pregnant before my Dad did, but I had nothing to do with that. And I wasn't asking my Dad if he was having a kid just to tell my mom. I was asking because I thought it was quite queer for him to have a child at this age, especially for me to have another sibling.

Evidently these things are super secret knowlege:
1) My dad buying a house
2) My dad getting remarried

Did I tell them any other information? Nope. Did I have any other information? Nope.


I've always been more like my father than my mother, but at this point, I must just be happy that I'm not like either of them. When Dan and I actually do have children, I'll never disown my children for any reason. I'll never treat them the way both of my parents have treated me. It took so long for me to be sure that I could say that with confidence, but now I can.

I think the most ironic part is that both my Dad and I want to have children that can be given a happy life. It's just that I'm pretty sure he doesn't stand a chance of that, with all of the bitterness that seems to permeate his emails.

How does someone turn 50 years old and still end up none the wiser? I used to think my Dad would mellow out and be nicer at 50, but no cigar.

Hit me baby, one more time.

Once again, there is no respect at all for my feelings or my wishes. I have to hire lawyers and prepare to go to court to get anyone to listen to me and respect my requests. I've asked repeatedly that none of you send personal email to me at my work address, for fear of jeopardizing my employment . . . but no one listens. I guess my having a job isn't important to anyone. That's ironic, given no one contacts me unless it's to demand money. I've asked repeatedly that Jade stop sending mail to my family members . . . but no one listens. I've asked repeatedly that your mother stop rejecting certified mail that I send to her . . . but no one listens, until I take legal action. I will be broke before my next birthday, which will actually be good. No one can expect money from me after that.

Now I have communicated to you through my personal email account and asked repeatedly for you to stop this . . . but you don't listen. Do I have to seek legal action against you as well? Because I will, Rikki. You don't seem to appreciate the division of authority here: I am not your child. I do not have to answer to you.

If you are going to be an adult who's accountable for her actions, then stop making excuses for your behavior. If you'll remember, you called ME that day fishing around about Bonnie being pregnant. You were fishing for information for you MOTHER, because you said she had it "on good authority" that Bonnie was. I didn't know Bonnie was pregnant then. She was going to surprise me, but your inquiry spoiled that for us. You have a proven record of funneling personal, private information to your mother and everyone else. Remember when we first came down to KC? You begged me not to tell anyone that we were there, then turned around and told your MOTHER about the visit anyway. 

**** For the record, this isn't true******

Please don't make me list all the times you have betrayed my trust. Supported me? No, Rikki. You are your mother's puppet.

Finally, I wish you would stop rescuing Jade. You are a smart woman; you should understand there are two sides to every story. You have no idea what Jade has done, and continues to do, to provoke Bonnie and deliver poison and stress to our lives. If Bonnie responds angrily to Jade's provocations and abuse, I fully support her. Because I know Jade only relays selective details to you and everyone else. I am not ignorant, thank you. I have seen enough from my children in the course of the last two years to feel ashamed beyond comprehension.

My dream would be to have a child with Bonnie. Yes, a "real" child who grows up observing kindness and love instead of abuse and hate. A child who sees his or her mother love their father with all her heart. That never happened before. I pray it will for me now.

I am happy in my life, Rikki. The happiest I've ever been. You don't seem to understand that notion, and for that I feel sorry FOR YOU. If nothing else, I wish you could be satisfied that your Dad is finally loved and cared for and adored and HAPPY. Leave it at that, will you?

I'm done now. I will not respond to another email from you. I have asked that you not contact me again as well. We have both made our choice.

Dad

My final response

Oh well. You can have both, you know. You can have your children be
part of your life and have your wife. You just choose to believe that
it's one or the other. But I know so many people who have found
happiness with a second marriage that doesn't come at the cost of the
relationship with their children.

I'm not saying that you have to report ********to the
whole world. But you definitely don't have the right to say that I'm
lying about ******* or that I made it up.

Bonnie had NO RIGHT to tell Jade she wasn't your real child, and
that's where the gap in the relationship with the rest of your family
will fall. You can blame me for it, but in my world, true adults own
up to their actions. I don't see her owning up to anything. It's so
much easier for her to tell you that we're all terrible children who
are evil and wicked to you than for her to recognize her own
insecurities and mistakes. I feel so sorry for you.

If you want to pretend like I don't exist, and write off entire parts
of Jade and Ryan's life, I guess I can't stop you, but I certainly
felt that I had the obligation to try--again.  How exactly do you
imagine this will play out? We just ignore you for the rest of our
lives and you do the same? I've watched that play out for Dan's
family. Dan had a grandfather his entire life that he never met. It
pains me to imagine that our children will have the same, but again,
it's your choice. Definitely not something I'd choose, but I guess in
that sense I'm lucky that you haven't influenced me. Maybe Jade and
Ryan are better off. :)

Their response, 3

I should have known you wouldn't respect my wishes to stop this. Why should I expect respect from any of you, when you have learned first-hand from the years of living with your mother how to DISrespect me so very well?

 

What happens in my life is private, Rikki. I am not required to report to you or reveal details about the personal, intimate relationship I have with my WIFE. The last time I checked, I am a grown man and I do not have to report to my (adult) children.

 

You had no right to publicly attack Bonnie on the Internet. That sole act has caused the damage to our family that you now bemoan. I do blame you, and that is final. Your so-called "support" of me has gone only as far as serving as your mother's spy. Family counseling? No, Rikki. We are through.

 

For once in my life, I am HAPPY. I love Bonnie, and I'm deeply sorry if you don't understand that. But again, I do not have to answer to you, nor will I. Bonnie, frankly, is the one who deserves my protection. She is the only person in my life who has EVER loved me. And no, this is not Bonnie typing . . . it is me, Rikki. These are MY words and I'm asking you to respect them, however futile that request may be.

 

Please, again, let me live my life and be happy.

Dad

My response.

Why do you feel the need to write off your children so quickly? I'm
really sorry for *******. But I don't think you needed to
lie to me about it or somehow insinuate that I had anything to do with
it. Why not just mention that yes, *********?
Why act like I made up the entire story or that it wasn't true? Why
even tell Grandpa that it wasn't true?

I understand that you're upset and I certainly don't want to make you
even angrier, but I still don't understand why you think not
contacting your kids or being in their lives in a good idea. What have
I done to make you feel this way? Dan and I did everything to be
supportive. Why cut Greg out of your life? Why cut Jade and Ryan out?
Is it really worth it to you? I can't possibly imagine a situation in
my life where I could *EVER* cut a family member out of my life. I
don't understand how you can. I mean, (really personal shit that I can't post here) and I still talk to
her because I realize that people make mistakes and move on. People
are greater than the sum of their worst act, if you believe in Christ.
 Please reevaluate what you're doing. Dan and I keep losing family
members, every year someone close to us dies and every time it
happens, our family shrinks. I can't imagine wanting to cut out a
living family member like this. It hurts too much when they actually
die and it really is time that you don't get back.   I'm absolutely
willing to go to any kind of family counseling to repair this
relationship. What I'm not willing to do is let any kind of stubborn
sense of pride let you continue to pretend like I'm dead. I'm a
living, breathing person that you raised. Why throw that all away?

The response from the sender, version 3.

I apologize for the typo, RIKKI. But I am upset and now you have really crossed the line with your abusive tone and warped sense of reality.

Bonnie *******, by the way. I hope that makes all of you extremely happy, as I know you will parrot that update right back to your mother in a matter of minutes.

Please respect my request and stop contacting me, NOW. I've had enough. We are through.

Dad

My reply (Note how the writer spelled my name incorrectly in the last post)

an, I never knew my Dad would spell my name wrong. Are you sure this
is my Dad? The dad I know is very careful with spelling and absolutely
knows how to spell my name properly.

I am sorry that I posted on facebook the text message that Bonnie sent
to Jade about Jade not being your real child. I hope she wants to
apologize to Jade for even sending it in the first place. It's
exceptionally sick to say something like that to Bonnie.

I'm sorry my friends said they wanted to punch Bonnie, but I didn't
say those things and I don't need to apologize for them. I think
you're just seeing a generational gap in what's a joke on facebook.
Bonnie told me by text that she was pregnant--and that's a lie. Does
she want to aplogize for lying to me?

I think you were just looking for an excuse to cut me out of your
life. I think you made the wrong choice. I guess you don't want to
hear it and you want to imagine your life differently. I'll just
remind you of the facts: I supported you during the divorce, I
defended you to every single member of the family, I bought you a
wedding present when you got married, I met your new girlfriend and
bought her lunch and let her into our lives with Dan.  You think that
I'm not being decent to her, but I haven't even done anything or seen
her at all.

Instead, you cut me out of your family plans for Christmas and
Thanksgiving. You said I was using you when we visited for our 10 year
HS reunion. I just don't understand, but I know it's because Bonnie
just wants to imagine that her kids are yours and doesn't care that
you already have children.

Again, I wanted to emphasize the signs of a controlling and
manipulative relationship:

Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time
your partner's name comes up? *Red flags should go up if everyone who
cares about you is getting worried or is being pushed away.*

Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends,
have they ever said something about your new boyfriend that made you
stop and say, "Huh? But he said something different to me... You can't
have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what
your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red
flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually
through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just
enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to
get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship.

Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If
your partner is protective of you, that's sweet. If he's bizarrely,
overly protective, it's scary.

A controlling partner will treat your friends with disrespect - your
friends will report rude remarks made behind your back, or you will
actually see her treat them in a dismissive way.

 

Their response, 2

Well, Riki, you are wrong. Do NOT contact me again unless you are ready to be decent and respectful to me and my wife.

My response, Number 1

I don't believe that my dad really said this. I am pretty sure that
it's Bonnie typing this email.

- Show quoted text -

Emails from my Dad

So--you tell me, Gentle Reader.
Who is really writing these emails? Bonnie or my Dad?

They'll be in order of delivery, but as you read them, they might appear backwards.

First email is me just sending 6 photos of Philippines to my dad. One of them was a Shakey's restaurant because we always used to go there when I was little.


After I sent it, I got this email back:

Rikki,

 

Do not contact me. Until you apologize to my wife for your public abuse of her, and the subsequent physical threats she received, you are dead to me.

I believe I made that clear once before.

-Dad

There were no waterworks at the airport today

Surprisingly, I left the airport without any tears at all. Until I actually start to board and the airline employees tell me that I can't have 4 carry on bags.

2 cameras
5 pairs of shoes
1 laptop
1 kindle
15 outfits
every pair of undies that I own
3 suitcases
1 purse

1 backpack belonging to Mel
Boarding to Narita is now.

Lift them up into the light

If you leave my house, turn left out of the driveway and just start walking for 1 mile, you'll arrive at Lake Calhoun.

Feast your eyes on it for a moment, if you can bear the brightness. At night, overlooking the lake, we face west and there's the sunset and blinding light facing us. Come forward, it says. Swim in me, the lake sirens are calling me on and on, across the universe.

I am going to live here for 100 years.

I don't want to say that all Filipinos know each other

But sometimes it seems like they do. Strange but true world when every ex-pat hangs out together stateside and has 4000 filipino friends back home. yayaya.

Said goodbye to a former boss today. I had to leave Happy Hour early to come back to meet some friends for dinner. It's sad, my former boss is moving back to KC, but it's the best deal for him overall. He's not happy in Minneapolis, hates winter, and still has his house in KC. He's moving back to KC to work for an old HRBlock boss, which should make for a good fit. While saying goodbye, I think we both realized that we *probably* won't see each other again. I'm not going to actively seek him out when I go back to KC (right?) and he's not ever going to come up to Minneapolis for a visit.  And thus we close a door on a 3 year friendship.

It's been raining all night here and I haven't been able to walk the dog, but I think I'm taking him now.

All moved in~

Here we are, all moved in to our house. First guests came over last night to see it and thus it all feels real. This weekend, we're having our first overnight guests in the house. I hope everyone likes it.  Surprisingly, we've also managed to unpack quite a bit of stuff, nearly 90%. The remaining 10%, if these things can be
judged empirically, is related to the desk and filing cabinet, and the desk is back in our old apartment.  So everything office-related will just have to wait for awhile to do unpack, because I sure don't feel like going back to the apartment!

We did have a moment of nostalgia for the apartment, though. Neither of us are sure why. We didn't especially like it, but perhaps it was just a moment of relative peace for us. Little stress, mostly relaxation, and really beautiful wooded areas around it may have caused us to like apartment living, just not the complex itself. I know I floating in a peaceful bubble and swimming laps underneath the stars, watching late night thunderstorms roll in before it gets too dangerous to swim.

I'll get the swimming back soon, though! The pool in Manila is really nice, according to the 3 whom have already arrived.  I'm trying to not think about it too much. I don't want to leave the house yet and I am scared!I am scared of packing, to be truthful. What do you bring for a 10 week trip?


Our realtor is Filipino and has made some plastic surgery recommendations for me. I knew she would know someone who works in the medical industry and I feel much more confident having procedures done with someone I know vs a random stranger. So we'll see! Would be great to have the operation done on Labor Day weekend, even if it does mean forgoing a trip to Taipei. Time will tell!

Here we are, on the eve of our destruction

Yeah, and the eve of amazing. Tomorrow we get to move into the house.
Tonight we ignore our upcoming anxiety and go see a movie.

Another book I've read months and months ago: The Help. Converted to a movie. Here we go!

Insurance again

I really like talking about insurance. And taxes.  Yes, I'm terribly boring. Had an insurance scare today with the house, because there's an old knob and tube wire in the attic. Yeah, I'm not a dumb ass. I know to worry about knob and tube. But it wasn't pointed out to me in the 20 page inspection junk report that I saw and now I'm ANGRY CAT. After I vented to my Realtor, I felt like crying. We worked so hard to move the close forward and now we might not be able to close on Friday. *sigh*

Did I mention that I haven't packed yet for Manila and I really can't do that until I UNPACK the house?
No, I'm not worried at all. (sarcasm)

Dan and I are avoiding the scary topics by watching 3 Sheets Manila version and No Reservations, Manila version.

Also, I'm finding it a funny that our perfect island vacation may come true and Dan has zero desire to spend it on a sun drenched island. Oh well. Islands might be boring after all.

Visa status: Completed

Visa request: made. It's in the envelope and about to leave on me on Monday. Good bye, passport. I'll see it in a few weeks. It should be back by the time I leave. We bought our suitcases at MOA on Thursday night after I bought my cousin's bridal shower, bachelorette party present and wedding gift. She hadn't registered anywhere yet, so I was just a bit over the top. I bought weird things that I wasn't sure anyone would like but looked pretty. I let my guilt guide me more than anything, feeling so bad that I'm missing all 3 weddings I was invited to this year, but also the one where my presence would actually be truly missed: the part where I was a bridesmaid.


So anyway, it was kind of a tough week. The market bounced all over, I had another heart attack with an option spread entered incorrectly, but we saved it. The house close got officially moved up, I had a second week of phone lab with new hires and basically the stress of the trip and guilt over stuff with my Dad overwhelmed me after I talked to my grandpa. My grandpa's girlfriend died and thus we had a long conversation, where I mentioned my Dad at the end.  My grandpa said "Your dad is just sick that no one wants anything to do with him." Uhh. yeah. Except for that whole part where he has completely ignored us....

I found out that my dad and new wife almost got married on December 7th of 2009.  Yeah. 2009. Uhh. yeah.  I hope that information was mostly unreliable, but really, I know that it's true. He was in Vegas that weekend for his 50th birthday and............... they were planning on getting married.
 PUKE.

Anyway, this week will be stressful. I am going to make it, though. It's great to be excited because of happy things in our lives, like a nice trip and a house closing. :)

Brain power percentage?

I think if you were to graph my brain in a histogram right now, 97% of the brain power would go to planning for Manila.

The other 3% would go to the dog.

Of course, planning for Manila just means that everything is all worked out for the house, the close, my investment license, planning for all of the stuff I should teach, eat , drink, pack, wear, postcards, postage, drivers, vacation plans, cameras, phone cards, insurance, immunizations, and my overall health. Plus trying to figure out when I can video chat with Dan and how the hell both of us will survive without the other. 

Today they changed the tickets to refundable from nonrefundable, since they hadn't booked yet. It's crazy stuff, which makes me think that we might not be going after all. But I won't know if I'm going until I'm nearly on the plane! haha 

Book 5: Game of Thrones

I don't want to say that this is the best book series I've ever read.
But this is the best book series I've ever read.

Way better than LOTR. Better than Twilight. Better than The Hunger Games and the Cat series. Better than the bloodhound killer books, better than Stephen King's Dark Tower series. And better than the Sue Grafton novels, in fact, though they have a certain appeal when you're only 15 and in Japan. The books are better than VC Andrews, which I secretly read in junior high, too. They might even be better than Harry Potter. The HP series is great, but it is written for kids. These books are darker, with more intrigue, character development and less overwhelming didactic moments.

It's not literature, classic or otherwise, it's  guilty pleasure, escapist stuff. Loosely based on War of the Roses, the books have a more realistic war aspect to them. Things don't always work out for the better, the good guy doesn't always win, and you can't always tell who the real "good guy" is. It's challenging, because there are more characters than a Chekhov novel and all of them have their own nicknames and histories. But they're great. I've plowed through 4 so far and just started book 5. Our main characters from book 3 are back, and it was oddly reassuring to "see" them again.

Yep, I'm a total nerd sometimes. But go read these books. The kindle price won't be discounted for awhile b/c of the TV series, but I promise they're worth the cost.

Oh, won't you stay/Just a little bit longer?

Oh, please please stay... (Dirty Dancing lyrics)

Yeah, they extended my trip to the Philippines. I was wondering how the heck we'd be able to teach everything we needed in only 6 weeks and they realized that, of course, it was crazy to expect people to learn a huge amount of material in only 6 weeks, so the class is now 9 weeks long. The 10th week will be our vacation, and Dan just bought his tickets to visit over the end of my stay. I'd love to post when I'm going and stuff, but figured we'd better not, since we'll have the new house in MN at the same time and I want to be sure it stays safe.

Speaking of the house: Everyone I talk to about the Philippines thinks that my trip means we're not buying a house. "But what about your house? Are you still buying it?" 

Answer: Yes. Yes, it's possible to travel for business AND buy a house, both at the same time. Luckily, our Realtor is from Manila and understands that this is an awesome opportunity, so I will just pre-sign everything for the close and grant Dan as my POA to sign for me while I'm gone.  Then poor Dan will move everything into the new house alone, which is not too different to me moving up here alone.

Good thing we got rid of most of our stuff, right?

There are some big things that I'll miss while I'm away, though. It breaks my heart to miss these things, indeed.

So here they are, in consecutive order:
-My sister's first 6 home football game as an ISU cheerleader
-Corey and Sarah's wedding in KC
-Our KC vacation
-The house close & subsequent move-in
-Our trip to a cabin up north with a bunch of friends
-My cousin Heather's wedding, which includes being a bridesmaid. Still not sure what to do with the dress. Should I wear it in Manila and video conference with everyone as if I were there? (*more on this later)
-Dan's first half marathon

-The house close & subsequent move-in
-Halloween party we were going to have

And that's about it. Who would have though 10 weeks of your life could have so many important events in it?

As official as it's going to get

It's about as official as it is going to get. My boss(es) enrolled me in the company credit card program with an exceptionally high limit for international travel, I got invited to an international travel meeting for tomorrow where we will talk about my visa, I know which hotel we're staying in and....BOOM. We'll be off in the air before we know it to Manila.

The hotel looks awesome, but I accidently left it at work. It has the name "joy" in it, though, so that should mean something. Looked through some photos at work and salivated over it, of course.
I am nervous, yes, but mostly excited.  Melody and I will come home completely exhausted but we both think it's worth it. Who cares if we're exhausted after 6-8 weeks overseas?

Being without Dan is going to be really tough. I know he can completely take care of himself, and I can take care of myself, but.... we are married and we want to be together. Work conversation today turned to the fact that both of us will be sans sex for 6 weeks and if we should get some kind of hazard pay. Ha ha ha. I am sure our poor men in uniform wouldn't pity me one bit.

Forgiveness?

"Don't get too comfortable with who you are at any given time - you may miss the opportunity to become who you want to be.” - Jon Bon Jovi

 I wouldn't normally quote Bon Jovi. But I did just spend the weekend with my aunt, who knows the entire story of my parent's divorce. We stayed up talking about it one night, where I repeated again that I am mostly OK with my dad telling me that I was dead to him and all of that junk about how I should never contact them again or come near his house again, etc. I mentioned that I harbor no love for the newest wife as I see her as being the person behind most of the malcious actions against me and my siblings and I primarily fault her for the "you are dead to me" statements.  After I said  few relatively harsh statements against the new wife, my aunt said that I needed to really let go of the malice that I had.


I said that I had no reason to do so, and she said that I needed to get to a point where I could pray for her and wish her the best, even though she has done/inspired malice against me.


I said, (to myself), that I didn't believe in prayer. 
Then I said, again, that I was ok with everything, but that I really wouldn't mind if any ill things came upon the new wife.


My aunt laughed and said I clearly didn't understand the prospect of forgiveness and prayer for my "enemies".


I guess that I still am just harboring hate and spite. If I forgive (again!!) am I just rolling over like a dog and letting people treat me poorly without apologizing?  Or am I enlightened like the Dalai Llama. Am I purusing a path towards peace, even if it means forgoing justice and an apology that I may deserve?


If I start to pray and wish better things for my dad's new wife, will that make me a better person? Will I find some enlightenment that I am not expecting? 


I wonder, wonder, wonder how many times I can re-re-re-re-re go through all of this bullshit on my blog?

MANILA

MANILA, Philippines.

I might go there for an entire month + a few extra days. Ok, really, it's about 6 weeks. My company is (might be/should be/is/most likely) sending me to the Phillipines. I'll be training new people and working in the middle of the night, Manila time.  It's hard to not burst out of my skin in excitement, but I am trying to remain calm. I am trying to remember that other people have been told they are going and then had their trip canceled (one person). I'm trying to remember that my boss said they can't afford to lose me in the State-side while I'm gone, but I am the best person for the job. Indeed, there are better candidates, but they aren't available to go in September, so it defaulted to me. Guess I just got really, really lucky that one guy has fall semester starting and one lady said that she can't leave her child again.


We renewed our passports last November, and I thought it was because we were going to go to Canada, but now it's Manila. Since I'll be gone for more than a month, my company will pay to send my spouse over with me. Did I mention that there are resorts in Philippines? Perfect island beaches?
My partner in crime, Melody, is going to be going on this trip with me and she called me tonight so we could spazz out about this trip together. She's filipino, so this trip will be like going home, and our conversation tonight went like this;
Me: !!!! EEEEE!!!!
Melody: EEEE!!!!EEEE
blah blah blah
Melody: Start saving your money now, because every weekend we are going to a different resort!

Uhh, yeah, saving my money. Starting now.

Women's Soccer

 It's on now. I just have to get my ass into downtown MNSP to watch it.  Poor Dan is stuck at work on a Sunday.

This is how I am repaid!

Time to settle our claim with our insurance company and buy the last few unreplaced DVDs and the last unpurchased item: The Video Camera. 

The Minnesota government shutdown continues. Today I heard that it might just stay shut down forever and ever and ever. Libertarians will celebrate universally.  Hannah Arendt would be so proud.

Today I decided that canceling Netflix is a good idea, since it sucks to watch their stuff and you can just get it on redbox anyway.  Today I also decided that it might be a good idea to grow up and stop moping at work. But I didn't decide this until 3:15 PM and I leave at 3:30 PM. I really need to snap out of my grumpiness about not getting promoted. I will try harder tomorrow.  I will conquer. I also decided that after 3 years, it was time to go to the doctor. I went in 08 to be sure that my poison ivy wasn't something worse and that was the last time I went. The last actual exam I had was probably sometime in 2006 or 2007, maybe after the semi-car accident thing happened.  After scanning through a long, long list of doctors that I didn't know, I decided to go back to Ankeny for my appointment. I've been going there (sort of) since 1998, so at least I don't have to repeat any medical questionaires. It's a little silly to drive 3 hours for a doctor's appointment, but I can see my family and stuff.


Game of Thrones book 5 came out today, in all it's glory. There are no Sansa Stark chapters in book 5,  as there were no Tyrion chapters in book 4. I'm skipping a big section of Book 4, with the hopes of going back to read more later.

This weekend my friend is coming from DC and I can't wait to do tons of fun stuff with her.  Did I mention that summer up here is a perfect zone of amazing weather and brillant skies and it stays light out until 10 PM? It's wonderful, it's true.

My great uncle Jack is not in very good shape. He lives up here in MN and my grandpa and aunt are driving up so that they can see us and say hello/goodbye to him before the time comes.  It doesn't seem real at all.

My weight!

My weight is out of control. Entirely. Completely. I can't stop eating and I can't make the weight issue better.

I thought that the marathon training would help, but I really just gained weight when I was done. Most of the time I skip breakfast, eat a bowl of soup for lunch and then eat Life Cereal for dinner.  I need to cut out eating all sweets at work and at friend's houses.

Yesterday was a pretty intense food day:
1 belgian waffle with whipped cream and syrup
2 plates of nacho chips and black bean salsa for lunch
vegetable salad
a couple handfuls of M&Ms
Strawberry dipped in chocolate
1 injara full of Eithiopian food
1/2 piece of cake and a glass of milk
2 glasses of wine

That's a lot of food, so it's pretty obvious why I'm struggling with my weight. Went for a 3.5 mile walk yesterday in the heat though, so I was hoping that would offset some of the calories, but it's not enough.
I just feel so bad about myself and I feel like I can't control the eating like other people can. I hate being this fat and I hate that I ran and gained weight for it.  I hate that I ran 3 days a week last summer and didn't lose weight. I'm not really sure if there's a medical reason for my weight gain or not. I don't have any symptoms of thyroid deficiency and I don't have any symptoms of PCOS.

First World Problems

 I've been trying to schedule a massage purchased via groupon for 2 months. Twice I've had my appt booked and someone has called to tell me they have to reschedule. Either someone else has cancelled and they want to move up my spot or the therapist  is going out of town, so I have to reschedule.  So I switch the time for them. Then they call to that they're sorry I missed the original time and have no record of their first call to tell me that the appointment was rescheduled. I don't even want this massage anymore! I yelled at them so much last time that they were going to give me the entire massage for free but now I don't even want to do that. I just want my stupid money back.

I am not sure why this massage has made me so angry. Maybe because I was looking forward to it after Grandma's marathon and they canceled. Maybe because it took 4 weeks for them to even fit me in. Maybe because the first time, when I had to cancel, they wouldn't stay 15 minutes later for me that night, even when I explained that my bus was running late. Maybe because other massage centers seem to be able to manage basic things like appointments and keeping them.

You have 400 Unread Messages

I knew that by the time my google account went to 400 unread messages, it was time. Time to delete a bunch of them and take control of my email. This would somehow be a good thing.

I thought I'd know the culprit of these unread emails: spam, twitter, youtube notices. Old Hyde Park stuff. Indeed, most of the stuff was from Hyde Park, but I found some of these old emails, too. I though they would be easier to read now, but not really.  I am sure we read all of these originally, since they were sent to multiple email addresses.  

Don Update:

Dr. Shreck wants him to come once a week for 4 more weeks of chemo, then he will have another PET scan to see if anything has spread.   After that, he will determine how often Don needs to do chemo.   He was very pleased with what the radiation has done in making his tumor so flat.  It still has a size in diameter of about 2" but is very flat - it might just be dead cancer cells - the PET scan will let us know.    Dr. Shreck has referred him to a wound care specialist at Methodist to try and help the wound drainage which will make him more comfortable.   He will see the radiation doctor on Friday to see if he needs to have another round of radiation or if we just do chemo.   

 

Sorry I still have to leave early the next 4 Wednesdays - hopefully he will get good PET scan results and we can reduce the number of treatments like we did last time.   Thanks again for your patience as we work through this.

 

I need to leave at 2:00 today to pick up Don from chemo.

 

Don Update: Hi siblings:

Had my treatment today.  It about wiped me out.  When I have them so
far apart they seem to be harder on me.  Getting better tonight
though.

Here is my treatment schedule:

   One three weeks from now.
   Once a month after that--we are not sure for how long.

I will not be having another PET scan unless something happens.  He
said that if the cancer re-occurs, it will be in the same place as
before.  So we will monitor it by watching the place on my scalp where
it started and in my neck where I had the cancerous lump.

The redness and pain behind my ear is from the new glasses I bought.
So I took them back, and they are going to try to get them replaced at
no cost.  That would be great.  I am currently using the glasses I had
before the new ones.

That is my update and I'm sticking to it.

Love,

Don

 

Well, your dad got the phone call from the appeals coordinator and they are still turning down the CyberKnife, saying that it is "experimental" for this particular type of tumor.     Your dad has a message into Dr. Deming to see if there's anything else we can try.   Your dad is also on the phone calling Medicare to see if he can still sign up and if it would cover this procedure or not.    I'll let you know what we find out.

 

Thanks again for calling today!!!!!!

 

Tammy 

 

Then I found some of these other emails: 

Hello family and friends,

 

Earl had his second chemo treatment today following a visit with his oncologist.

 

His doctor was quite pleased with the way Earl tolerated his first treatment.  Earl's comment was, " if I'm doing good, I'd hate to see the ones that aren't!"  Anyway, there will be another CT scan  in the next 2-3 weeks to see how the treatments are working.  His doctor will then adjust treatment accordingly.

 

He also had a flu shot today, so is feeling rather woozy tonight.  Based on past experience, the flu shot alone will keep him from feeling good anytime this weekend. 

 

Lab work today was in the acceptable range.  Some of the numbers are still below normal, but not alarmingly.

 

We'll see how he feels over the next couple of weeks.  He is really trying hard to eat enough food and drink enough fluid to maintain his health.  It's hard for him because he does not have any appetite at all and has struggled with it since his stomach surgery in '95.

 

Once again, we both thank all of you for you love and support.

 

Rodna

 

 

 

Respite, indeed

We're staying at Dan's mom's house this weekend so we can go to 80/35. We're also cat-sitting for the "cat that's afraid of everything."80/35 is much more fun. It's in downtown DSM, it that doesn't even look like downtown DSM during the fest. It's some other place, with fences, foodstands, beer tents and tons of people that are not dressed up like they're going to corporate American office today. This festival made me want a second tattoo, if only I knew which one to get or where to put it.  Dan promised me that this would be like a highschool reunion with all of the people that we actually wanted to see. In some ways, it was, if only because we saw our old friend.   We've completely lost touch, and just see each other every few years (mostly Dan sees her at 80/35) but this time I got to talk to her. Mostly we chatted with her mom, though, and it was lovely. The sad and scary thing was that her mom had uterine cancer and surgery and chemo. I didn't even know it had happened. Suddenly I was having flashbacks to Don's cancer and trying super hard to not freak out. The stupid thing about trying hard to not freak out is that you can't do it at a music festival where you should be The Happiest Person on Earth and Shut Up and Like the Music.

So I did. I shut up, I danced, I liked the music. I drove to Ames, watched some funny TV shows (more Archer, some other show by the writers of Archer & Sealab, Parks and Rec, babymama, and Comedy Central stand up with the guy from Parks and Rec) with some old college friends and realized that I really, really miss my college friends and ordering food at 1 AM.  The cable company is broken right now and one part of Frasier is on continuous loop. Kelsey Grammar is hugging Ros and shrieking "The like me!!" He's been doing that for about 2-3 hours for everyone that subscribes to that chanel. haha.

Our friend rents 1 bedroom in a house in Ames and the rest of the space is shared. Their cost: 1300/month plus utilities.
WTF? Our KC house is way nicer than that place and we don't charge close to that. $1300/month could pay our mortgage in Minnepolis, and our new house is going to be nicer than that. I need to become an Ames landlord to college kids. Good heavens.

Speaking of our Minneapolis house: yes, the inspection was fine. But I no longer have any faith in inspection companies. I have lost my hope with all legal contracts entirely. Waive right to lawsuit, arbitration only, we don't test for this or that or this or that or pretty much anything that would cause you to flip out and not buy the house. I should have done the damn inspection myself, with my limited experience and knowledge and I would have been better off. These people had never heard of copper theft nor understood ABS piping. Oh, naivete.

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend, Jodie, before going to 80/35. We discussed the naive people in our lives and mentioned how you can like them and be their friends, but you always wonder how they hell they've remained so sheltered. Perhaps it's not necessarily naivete, but just people that firmly believe in a sense of black and white and don't believe that sometimes there is no justice or heaven or hell or retribution. At the end of the day, we were saying goodbye and I practically started to cry. I haven't had a day with Jodie in 2 years and suddenly missed Iowa again, the way I used to miss it in 2007 through 2009. I missed my friends and I missed the city and I missed my family and the slower pace of life and oh god, is it really going to be 2 years before we do this again?

Oh, Iowa, you are the trap that I can never escape. 

Inspection tomorrow!

Well, we have our house inspection tomorrow. I am really not afraid. Is that arrogant? I don't mean it to sound like that. I'm just pretty sure that we've seen worse in our KC house or neighbor's houses.I mean, can an inspection be too much worse? Perhaps not. We've fixed everything that was wrong in KC, which is actually kind of amazing.

Perhaps I am writing this strictly for posterity, so that if something goes wrong, in hindsight, I can laugh at myself for feeling this way.

There are a few things that I don't know very much about. Like how radiant heat really works, despite trying to read about it online a lot. And I don't know how to soder copper pipes, either. It also seems the tile in the bathrooms will be harder to replace, almost as if it was built in 1909 like the rest of the stuff in the house. But that should be ok. I think this house is going to be OK for us. Here's hoping!

Obsession

I'm absolutely obsessing about the house right now.  Where will I hang the paintings? Where will we put the furniture? Which bedroom should be the spare bedroom? which bedroom should be the office? Where should I store the Christmas decorations we're bringing back from KC in September? Which tools should stay in KC and which tools should come up to Minnesota? Will the tenants renew their lease with us? Will the underwriters care a lot about the duration of the second lease? Should I bring the planters back to Minneapolis now or wait until spring? When should we start buying all of the wonderful kitchen gadgets we've been dreaming of? Will we have enough money to buy all of the furniture that we'll need for this place?

Ok, those are the most pressing questions. I guess I'll wait for the appraisal to come back, just in case the house ends up being worth less than the offer price. Back in the day, things like that never happened.

Seriously?

I haven't felt this happy in a long, long time. I didn't even know it was possible to feel this happy again. Holy hell.

We found a house, put in an offer, had the offer accepted and now we're just waiting for the appraisal and the inspection and everything to come back ok. And the underwriting, of course, since we still own our KC house. 


Is this real life? Is it legal to be this excited about something? We are both looking over our shoulders, trying to figure out what the next weird thing to happen to us might be. Is it possible that there won't be a bad thing about to happen right around the corner?

Marathon Status: completed

Yeppers.
I did it! It took me 6 hours. 3 bathroom stops.
Just completed my first marathon. I don't know for sure if it will be the last that I run, but I know it's the last one until I turn 30 or more. Definitely think that a 13.1 is much more manageable and will run the half marathon in DSM with my husband this fall.
Grandma's Marathon up in Duluth had about 8200 participants, the 17th largest in the country. It was cloudy and about 55 for the whole race, which was really what we wanted. I was pretty slow, since my training was "run one long run every other week" and I took the last 2 weeks off entirely at the end. I didn't really get any of the 3-5 milers in at all, which was dumb.

I should have trained more for it, but felt so miserable after each long run that I didn't feel up to it. Obviously the reason I was feeling so miserable after each long run was that I only had water to drink, didn't carry powerade or gu or gels or anything, which threw off my electrolytes quite a bit. I felt better after finishing the full marathon than I had after any of my training runs. So now I know how important those alternate sources of energy are for the longer runs and hope to pull in a faster 13.1. Would be great to be under 2 hours, but I'll need to really work hard for it.

My splits were about 33 minutes at the 5k mark, 1 hour at the 6.5 mile mark, 2:34 at the 13.1. I was about a full mile behind my pace expectation around mile 20 and never was able to catch back up with my pace time. I think miles 15-16 were the hardest for me. They were out of gu by the time I got to each rest station. I physically ran until about mile 24, when I really had to resort to walking. At mile 25.5, I couldn't see the finish line (there were lots and lots of turns at the very end of the race) and noticed that I was really about to miss my last-ditch goal time. I was practically hyperventilating at that point and started to cry and shake. The medical aid came to me and walked me across the finish line and gave me the superman cape early since it was so cold.

While I was running, I was trying to establish if this was physically the hardest thing I've ever done or not. I feeling good, so I couldn't say for sure, but the last mile got me to say "yes, this was the hardest thing I've done." Since I was slower, most of the crowd had left and the cheering was much more sporadic near the finish line. Had I been in a 4-5 hour pace time, it would have been a bit easier to focus on the finish line and run through. I think my last 2 miles were nearly 20 minute pace!

The aftermath is pretty tough. It's hard for me to stand up and move around easily, though we did walk it out for about 3 miles today. I also managed to get pretty sunburned even though it was overcast the entire time. My face, shoulders and chest are BRIGHT red.  We were planning on the post-marathon massage to help with the intense muscle aches, but they shut down by the time I was done. They were also out of oranges and chocolate milk and all of the food you should get when you finish the race. Guess I was too slow!  I had a massage scheduled for Saturday, but they just called me to cancel.  PAIN!
But well worth it.

Here we go!

We are about to embark on the scariest trip of the year.
The marathon trip.
2011 Grandma's Marathon
Duluth.
26.2 miles
7:30 AM
53 degrees
50% chance of rain



Run to all the aid stations
walk through them to get the water
Drink the powerade at every other station
Goo at  mile 7, 15, and 20
Stay in the running stance and atmosphere as much as possible
Stay in the mental game
Do not fear
Do not be afraid
Suck it up
I can do this
I will do this

These are my running mantras for tomorrow

I hated every minute of my training, but I knew I had to do it to live the rest of my life as a champion. --Ali
-For the kingdom, for the power and the glory
-One step closer to the end

-Obama 12

The Return

I think the graduation party was a success. We had a TON of food and a TON of leftovers.  I was surprised at how many of my sister's friends that I knew and was pleased to meet some of their parents for the first time.  People brought their grandparents, their aunts, their twin babies, their kids and it was a regular jolly holly reunion. I brought a vase of fresh stems from the Farmer's Market, where I visited with Tammy. Tammy treated us to lunch at Dos Rios and I had to bite my tongue to not give some practical business advice to a lady selling beautiful appliqued shirts. I just wanted to tell her to put it on the back of the tshirt and put it on some v-necks. Anyway, I digress. The point of this paragraph is......?

My sister got a scholarship to ISU for the fall and had her scholarship essay on display.  8 semesters of tuition scholarship as long as she maintains a normal GPA.  So far, it sounds like the cheerleading squad in Cyclone world is going to take over most of her life. Practice goes from 430-1030PM each day. That doesn't seem realistic, but she said it has built-in study time into it.  We've already planned our ISU game visits for the season so we can watch her on the field. That part seems unreal, but I'm going to love being back at Jack-Trice for some more games this fall.

Jade has changed a lot in the last 6 months. I can really see a drastic maturity level switch for her, which is lucky. It took me a lot longer to reach her level of maturity. She's really quite lucky to have found the zen place for herself at this age.  My brother has joined the airforce and will be an enlisted member later this winter! We can barely believe the changes in life, but it's really mostly relieving to see all of these positive changes for everyone this fall.

The house in Ankeny is on the market and we are still house hunting up here. Holy hell, 4000 property taxes are unreal. Just paid our KC taxes for $1402.00. Though I knew KC was an anomaly, it's going to be weird to make our escrow payments on a new mortgage.

I can heeeaaarr yooouuuu

Yes, yes, I can.

I'm getting ready to go to my sister's graduation party, our last event on 1126 for awhile. It's the only house my sister can remember and the only time I remember having people there is for grad parties. The funny thing is, I can hear my grandma's voice, talking about what we need to do to get ready for the party. I can hear her telling me that I need to do all of this cooking or cleaning or something. I can hear it and it's weird, the ony thing we talked about at the last party was CD rates and played cards. We will expect her there tomorrow, but it will just be her ghost. 

Regardless of who is there in the past or extraterrestrial or imaginary, this party is going to be pretty darned fun, I can say that much for sure. My sister's friends are funny as hell.

Flowers at work

Ring Ring
This is the florist calling. We have a delivery for you!

Me:But it's not even my anniversary. Or my birthday? I turned to my coworkers: Do you really think someone would delivery flowers to me TWICE? (earlier this year I had a mysterious delivery, which later revealed itself)

So I went downstairs and there was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers of bright pink, bright yellow, deep purple and blue. All in vase, for me.

From the senior vice president.  For a job well done.
I went back upstairs and found 50 emails congratulating me for implementing a moment of the core values at work. And one email from the senior vice president, who sent an email to everyone in the building today telling them about my job well done.

The VP sends one message a week, and I was the good employee this time. She doesn't feature employees in her email messages very often, so I feel even more special.
But really, I was just lucky. The right person at the right time intersected with me and was happy. God bless them.

All things considered

MIT

My friend just got her MBA. From MIT. God, I feel stupid.

I'm having an mental debate between pushing myself to get my MBA and study or just resting for a little bit longer.


Reasons for MBA-

Tons of jobs in my company require it and my advancement opportunities then skyrocket
I would probably learn something
It would be mostly free through work

Reasons for not getting my MBA
studying for the GMAT isn't that much fun
I'd feel really stupid
I have to re-explain the classes that I failed while in my funk
I'd have zero--literally--zero free time
I'm still feeling pretty exhausted
I don't think I can handle the stress of it right now


That's it. I am beating myself up about the stress part of it. Having the mental debate about whether or not I should push myself and feel stressed out or if I should just enjoy life right now.  I definitely spent the last 3 years of my life living under a cloud of stress. Sometimes people mention an event that I was attending and all I can remember was feeling stressed out while I was there. Why? Because I knew I should have been working hard on something else that was either at my second job or volunteering.
Or I can't remember being there at all--and it's because I wasn't--I was back at home working instead.

Part of me wonders if this problem would just be resolved if I had a Xanax prescription. I think about going to the doctor sometimes,  it's been about 4 years since I last visited any type of doctor and about 6 since I had any type of exam.  I'd just beg for Xanax and explain my antsy, stressed out emotions. 

I don't want work to overwhelm my life but I also don't want to feel lazy and lame, either.  Someone just shoot me!!

Cafeteria

This bar has decorated walls with colorful cafeteria trays from your elementary school.  Yes, your elementary school. It also has a huge rooftop patio full of preps that get mad when others cut in the bathroom or for the line to the elevator. It has $10.00 mohitos and cotton candy and walleye fritters. Evidently now that it's summer, things are full of walleye here.

I caught myself nearly asking someone that works in the sales department of General Mills when their stock price would go back up. Complete stranger. Yep. Good idea to ask her about the stock price of her company while at a bar on Friday night when she's clearly trying to pick up men. Great idea.

We ate cotton candy, celebrated Lee's birthday, met her phantom boyfriend and had a lovely time. I heart MN and I'm glad we have entered permanent summer, where we will go camping three times and tomorrow, I'm going to the beach.
The water will be too cold, but what the hell. I hope the baby Scarlett likes it.

Dessa poetry reading

here it comes.... I should go now.

I will not let work rule my life, I will not let work rule my life. I will stop obsessing about work. I will stop obsessing about work.

William Butler Yeats

Reposted here!

Share | Sailing To Byzantium

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I That is no country for old men. The young In one another's arms, birds in the trees ---Those dying generations---at their song, The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas, Fish, flesh, or fowl commend all summer long Whatever is begotten, born, and dies. Caught in that sensual music all neglect Monuments of unaging intellect. II An aged man is but a paltry thing, A tattered coat upon a stick, unless Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing For every tatter in its mortal dress, Nor is there singing school but studying Monuments of its own magnificence; And therefore I have sailed the seas and come To the holy city of Byzantium. III O sages standing in God's holy fire As in the gold mosaic of a wall, Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre, And be the singing-masters of my soul. Consume my heart away; sick with desire And fastened to a dying animal It knows not what it is; and gather me Into the artifice of eternity. IV Once out of nature I shall never take My bodily form from any natural thing, But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make Of hammered gold and gold enamelling To keep a drowsy Emperor awake; Or set upon a golden bough to sing To lords and ladies of Byzantium Of what is past, or passing, or to come.

Behold, the only thing greater than yourself!

Remember that line from Roots? Hope so.

The only midwestern city that's better than Minneapolis is Chicago, so it was a natural long-weekend destination. We left right after work on Thursday and drove for awhile. Dan let me listen to my newest obsession, Game of Thrones, and I decided to download the physical book, too. Cliff-hanger! I'm already on to the second one. Anyway, we drove and drove and ended up in Rockford visiting Cheryl and her new boyfriend, Dave. They're cute together and have a nice house. We chatted until midnight or later and then crashed, grabbed breakfast, and drove to Chicago. We made it in pretty good time until we hit 94/90. I think I spent about 2 hours going less than 20 mph. Chicago, we hate your traffic!!

My cousin Sarah lives in Chicago now, with her new hubby, and they rent a Mac properties apartment in Hyde Park Chicago. Of course, this was perfect for us, with our love of MAC's help on Armour Boulevard in Hyde Park, KC.  They helped us buy bus passes and we took off on the number 6 to downtown. Navy Pier was cold and foggy, but we decided to ride on the architectural boat ride tour anyway. We had a pretty good tour and it was awesome to learn a few facts about the Chicago rebuilding and the skyscraper construction, with lots of quirky facts about each building's construction  Sadly, I have no photos of this because our camera died on the drive to Chicago.


We were all freezing by then, and sushi seemed like the only way to warm us up, so we went for sushi and dinner and back to Cheryl and Dave's hotel for a drink. After that, we went back to the apartment, talked for awhile and then crashed.

Day 2 Sarah had to work, but we went to the Frank Lloyd Wright walking tour in Oak Park. These were the giant houses I'd been waiting for.  I fell in love with the first suburb, even though I hate suburbs and all....

After the lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely walking tour, we went to Indian food. They do know how to make it spicy in Chicago, thank god. Then we went to the show "Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind." Check out their website here: http://www.neofuturists.org/
I also love that we can see a show and the ticket price is based on the roll of a dice. We met up with Justin and his new GF (everyone seems to have a new boyfriend, girlfriend or husband in this episode of our lives)  and they saved a spot for us.

At this show, you get a special name based on what you look like or how you act when they ask you your name. I saw a JFK, JR on a preppy kid and some punk ass names on some punky looking kids. Dan was Rodeo and I told them my name was Reindeer. They gave me a nametag that says Pee Pee Pants.


The show was inspiring, poignant, beautiful, sad and hilariously funny. They try to do 30 plays in 60 minutes. We got to 28.5 plays in 60 minutes and then got one small piece of pizza after the show.

Went back to the apartment, crashed, and then woke up for brunch with sarah and brian and brian's brother and stuff.Since the brother and fiance needed a place to stay on Sunday night, we decided to just leave and drive back rather than force one of us to get a hotel. So on to MN we went, where I napped and drove and realized that I really want a house that Frank Lloyd Wright designed so that I won't be in this infernal apartment any longer! :)

Remember your graduation?

I don't remember mine too clearly. I remember it a little bit, some parts, but nothing stands out other than clapping for all of our teachers and throwing the caps in the air at the end.

It seems like yesterday when I found Jade sleeping on the stairs, when she was 6 and 3/4 years old. She had a little book in her hand and she was waiting to read it to me. Or for me to read it to her. It was the most touching moment that I've had with her, scooping her off of the stairs and carrying her to bed, feeling terribly remorseful that I didn't get home from work in time to read the story. She wasn't quite as long as the stair was, and so tiny that her entire body could fit across the width. Clad in a pink nightgown, her hand stretched out and wrapped around a book. She was waiting for me to come home.

Now she has graduated, and I still have to remember that we're not going to Miss Winter's first grade reading session, that we won't have any more time at elementary school or Parkview Middle School or anymore first kisses to talk about or homecoming dances to share.

I rented a limo for this graduation, something to celebrate my mom's 50th and distract us all from the fact that my Dad hasn't called or asked about graduation at all and probably isn't going and doesn't care,  and to remind us that we are not going to have this house much longer, either.
 The limo was perfect.

My sister hopped in, embarassed that it was parked right out front for her and my mom crawled in, shocked that this was actually happening. She said she had never been in a limo before. My brother crept in and acted like this was something he'd done a million times, and then Dan, Lisa R and I slid in as well. Radio? Check. DVD player? Check. Minibar? Nope. Forgot the booze, since it was a Highschool graduation + 50th birthday party.

We did what every limo passenger does: Called our friends, asked what they were doing and decided to drive around to get them while dancing out of the sunroof. We stopped back in Ankeny for soda and wine for the adults, we drove around the lake, and then stopped at Cheesecake Factory for desert.

I have had a few happy and amazing days in 2011, but I will sincerely say that this one was the best of them all.