This is the year

I swear, the year 2011 will be the year that many of our remaining single friends get married. It will also be the year that many other people make their turn into age 30, with fabulous parties and celebrations.

My guess is that most of us will be so inebriated we can't remember most of 2011, which is just how I hope it works.

The white german shepherd was put to sleep today. I'm definitely still in shock. I knew it was going to happen at some point, so I tried to prepare myself for it, but I am definitely afraid to face it. The white baby has been part of our family for 10 years and we had her with us for the last 4 weeks. I took her on her last walk, played the last games with her, gave her the last treats. I can't really believe this is it, that I didnt get to say goodbye or give her a final pet. I didnt even give her a normal goodbye because I thought I'd see her in the next week.
 This is how it always goes, the casual goodbyes with the creatures you love! We must all cherish each moment, truly.

Despite my best attempts to the contrary....

It's Christmas and I'm reading about Bikini Atoll islands. Naturally, I can't share this with other people, because it elicits the disgusted query, "Why are you talking about nuclear testing on Christmas?"

My answer: "I don't know why, it popped up on some foreign policy link I clicked on and now I can't stop."

I even started my internet browsing with the search "How to focus on others", "How to purify your heart" and by watching Meet Me in St. Louis clips with Judy Garland on Youtube. (Ding ding ding goes the trolley....)


A few days ago, I had a Christmas breakthrough. Some ladies invited me to a night of Cloud Cult documentary watching and the best cooking of brown rice peanut butter soup. I haven't confessed to them yet that my husband is the massive music adorer and I am merely the poser, but I think they'll understand when I eventually reveal the truth. The movie though, was really pure spirited and about leaving the world with a more positive spirit, more genuine and enthusiastic place than it was before you encountered that specific moment in time.   Yes, these things are cliche, but the frontman of Cloud Cult is really living this principle. I was inspired about doing the same with my training class of new hires that when I started walking back to the car, I was so devoted to fulfilling this dream that I'd walked 3 blocks past the car, and I didn't have my scarf, my gloves, my hat and it was below zero.

I don't attend church on Christmas any longer. The message though, sometimes finds its way to us in the most unusual format.  I could, of course, spend several minutes discussing why I don't think the message from Cloud Cult matches the message of Christianity, and I've become disenchanted with parts of Christmas in the first place, but it is 12/25 after all, and some things should remain sacred, even if I choose to read about the Bikini Atoll. 67 nuclear tests on The Marshall Islands....

Famous Blue Raincoat

I've been waiting for the end of December to post this:

It's 4 in the morning
the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living.

There's music on Clinton street all through the evening
I hear that youre building your little house deep in the desert
you're living for nothing now

I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

Jane came by with a lock of your hair, she said that you gave it to her the night htat you planned to go clear.
Did you ever go clear?

Oh, the last time we saw you, you looked so much older. Your famous blue raincoat was torn at shoulder. You'd been to each station to meet every train, and you came home without little Marlene.


Blah blah, you know the song, you've read the words. I think that whenever I do begin to write, it will be this song that perhaps fills me with inspiration. Ever feel like everything awesome has already been done and you have little to contribute?

Boots with the fur, with the fur

Holy hell. Minnesota girls dress up. A lot. I used to do that in college, but in the last 3 years in KC, I've grown out of it. We'll toss on our jeans and walking street shoes, meander over to Westport and have a drink or two without thinking twice. Yes, the primpy girls would walk by in their semi-skanky outfits, but it was always clear they were out of place. My lecturer in college said it right: Kansas is Cowboy. While we really didn't go out that much in Kansas, in Missouri, you can still wear 'jorks" and not be too out of place. After all, the FFA still havs their annual convention there each year.


So for 2 Friday nights, we've gone out to a bar, sat down, and I've looked down and realized that 1) my purse is sooooo 5 years ago and 2) Nobody wears pink adidas shoes to the bar here. Ok, I can deal with that, right? Wrong. I have forgotten how to walk in heels. I've forgotten how to walk in heels in the snow. I've forgotten how to deal with the cold for 5 minutes by leaving my coat in the car.

Growing up or in college, I could do these things back in Iowa without any problem. Hell, we used to walk a mile to the bars in heels. Here, now, at my old age? No way! I'm so country, it hurts.

So yes, this is what getting old feels like. I'm sure by next winter, I'll be back in action. New shoes, new outfits, new low balance in the checking account after my shopping sprees.

Skiing has finally happened

Went out to Buckhill today, for about 1.5 hours. Brrr! I got there and then realized that I had forgotten my ski poles. DUH. It's been awhile since I went poleless and didn't quite trust my sense of balance, so I rented some for $5. The lift ticket was cheap, the runs were ridiculously easy (and that's not me being arrogant, it's just a small hill with 2 black diamonds that are blue squares on any other mountain) and I made it back without freezing to death. I guess it was only 0 degrees outside. Was hard to pass up skiing on 18 inches of fresh snow on a Sunday night, even though our friends talked me out of going earlier in exchange for dinner. 

First Minnesotaaaahhh Blizzard

Here it is, our first Minnesota  blizzard. Up to 20 inches of snow.  24 hours of nonstop snow. We drove in it for 2 miles yesterday and decided that since we already had a stock pile of groceries, booze, and endless work to do around the apartment, that we just wouldn't leave the house.

Bus service is suspended, SUVs are stuck, the light rail stopped, snow plows were ordered off the street and the dogs romped all over the snow like bunnies and then got really tired after 5 minutes.

Famous Last Words!

I remember after living in the house for a few years that I said I couldn't go back to an apartment. And I definitely couldn't go back to house-share, where one person rents a room in a house and doesn't have a place to put their own furniture. I think I coudn't go back to house-share, unless I had a place for some of my own furniture pieces. However, I've found apartment living really isn't so bad.

In some ways, it's more peaceful, to have the kitchen and TV room on the same level. I still have to go down the stairs early in the morning to let the dogs outside, but I had to do that in our house, too. I still have a garage for storing my stuff, I can't hear my neighbors, and I like having less space to clean. This is working out ok so far. Relief.

The Hunger Games

Mentioned it before, but man, these books are awesome. It's a trilogy for young adults, but I think actual adults will like it quite a bit. A girl living in the future version of Appalachia participates in the new society's annual ritual: 1 boy and 1 girl from each of the 12 districts in the country must go into a man-made arena and fight to the death. The winner gets fame, fortune, and an awesome way out of poverty. But it's not like survivor, it's more like The Giver or another negative utopia that draws you in. I was worried that it would be gory, brutal and disgusting, but the deaths are mostly glossed over, luckily. It's awesome, and I think I finished all 3 in about 10 days.

If you rent or check out these books, you won't put them down. Be prepared to have a second Harry Potter level of engrossment.

Speaking o Harry Potter: Our Manila employees all had to have the Friday after Thanksgiving off because they all wanted to go see Harry Potter 7. 

I'm sort of torn. At first, I wanted to go to Manila. Then I didn't want to go, because it's really, really stressful and you work in the middle of the night, away from your family for 6 weeks.
But now I am going back to wanting to do it. Here's hoping!

SKI SEASON HAS OPENED

It's ready, after 3 winters of non-skiing for me. Can't wait to see how the scraping down the side of a hill in MN compares to the same thing in Iowa. Can't wait to hear the scccrrreeeecchhhh of my skis on the ice.

By the numbers

By the numbers.... again

28 years of not going shopping on Black Friday

4 states visited this weekend

10 miles ran

1 bottle of Baileys gone


1 forgotten dish left at a friend's

1 round of arkham horror, 1 character devoured

5 rounds of Condotierre, zero wins.

1 hour at the second job

1 puppy crate cleaned

1 house in very good shape with the lovely tenants that we have. <3 our tenants

And tomorrow, we'll return home with 2 dogs.

Where did all of my optimism go?

Answer: Flushed down the toilet?
Answer: swept away after I hit the light pole and realized I'd just set off a chain of events that I could not recover from entirely?



Who knows. Last night, I was pretty sure my life was going to be amazing, today I got that unexpected call from the insurance agent at 10 AM and now I'm pretty sure it's impossible to recover. Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Voyuers and Vowell

I just read her brief essay on the Chelsea hotel. Are we all voyeurs if we follow the  artistic lifestyles  in minute detail, hoping to piece it all together to make sense of our world today? By visiting or writing about Chelsea, are we hoping to incorporate our own bohemian desires into a dirty hotel, and imagine that it's 1968 again and we're about to change the world by indulging in all hedonism and sex?

And if not, if we're sadly in another culture now, what is the use of art now, what changes are desperately needed in our society that can be solved by art? If we aren't saving or changing the world when we drink, have free sex, make music and film our best friends on camera at ultra slow frame rates for hours on end, what are we doing? We're certainly not changing the world by buying shit, eating out at dinner and waiting for our vacations.

Two worlds?

Our friends from KC came up this weekend and we went out for the entire weekend to celebrate Dan's birthday. It was a little strange to imagine them continuing their lives on without us and it was strange to do MN things with them, but we had a relatively fun time. There's an awesome MN restaurant called Chino Latinos that everyone here adores, so at least we can now say we tried it. Their menu changes daily. I'd have to say the Cuban Pork Crisis was the best thing we ordered, with a fried banana blockade. YUM.

After we dropped our friends off, we realized we were walking in freezing rain and that driving in it was even worse. MN had a record number of reported car accidents in the ice storm, and we were one of the unreported ones. I drove the camry into a light pole at very low speeds right after we took our friends back to the hotel.  So, we'll be spending some time in the body shop. Ironically, it was on the day that we sold the civic to some Iowans. Whelp, can't change that much.  We really don't need 2 cars in MN, since the bus and light rail go everywhere. It will be nice to have the cash for the car, too, and to save on insurance and not worry about moving it whenever the snow plow comes to the apartment. 

As it turns out, we're going back to KC over Thanksgiving. We'll dismantle part of the desk, rake leaves, fix a loose piece of storm window trim,  grab all of the paintings and plants we couldn't take, and check on the place. The guys renting our house wanted to get a puppy, so I am checking up on that. At first, I said NO PUPPIES. But after their long description of the puppy, I caved, even though I am still very, very worried about the puppy's presence in the house.
me: I feel like such an ass for not letting someone own a puppy.
friend: Well, that's what being a landlord turns you into.

*sigh*

More on Lake Superior

Here we are, in our weekend at the lake. On Sunday, I woke us up in time to see the sunrise. It was literally perfect timing, about 5 minutes after we went outside, the sun started to blaze across the lake and right into our room. I grabbed a blanket and walked down to the shore and Dan eventually crawled out of bed and came down, too.
Then we took a hike to the river, napped in the sun, watched the stars on the back porch, sat in the hot tub, took a jacuzzi bath, swam in the pool, sat in the sauna and had delightful entertainment together while renting a movie, and none of those events were in order.

In the guest book in our room, everyone has commented about how restive and healing their week(end) at the lake has been for them.  I'm a convert to the North Shore. I guess I've just had so many good memories at lake and river houses, that I really want to bring my whole family there, make strawberry shortcake, play cards and heaven help us, but I want to swim in the lake. This is why wetsuits exist.  So, anyone want to come for New Year's?

Return from the North

I have found heaven, it is near Lake Superior. I have left heaven and returned to my house and now must wait until New Year's to go back.

We loved it so much that we decided to book our New Year's long weekend there as well, but this time, we'll share it with friends. The lake is 15 feet from the back door, uninterrupted visibility. The fireplace, the kitchen, the hiking, all of these things were wonderful. You can even build a bonfire on the beach at night. I often wonder how we got so lucky to continually see things like this. I feel guilty and I want to be sure that Dan's nieces and nephews can enjoy it.

Warm Hats

Just bought two bomber hats, down filled, faux fur lined. They will arrive in 3 days and they were on sale.
One is black
One is white

This winter, I will be impenetrable. Impervious to cold.

This weekend, we are going as far north as I have ever been on ground. Of course, when flying to Japan, we flew over the arctic sea, but that doesn't count, because I wasn't experiencing it myself.

We'll be so close to Canada, I can practically spit at it. Sadly, we can't cross the border because I lost my passport last January on our trip to DC. Ahh, well. The room has a fireplace and a jacuzzi in it and I really wish we were going on Friday, but it takes 5 hours from Minneapolis to the north. It's going to be so beautiful, I can't wait.

Yesterday, someone said the words "self-proclaimed hippy", then turned to me and said "no offense by that."
I took that to mean that they found me to be a hippy. I guess ordering tofu at dinner didn't help my case much. And I didn't even mention that I support natural child birth, for fear of being clobbered.

Lord Jesus Saves

Your balls for later.

This sign cracked me up. "Scenic view from Lake Nokomis: Lord Jesus Saves!
Your balls for later. "

The lake was beautiful and peaceful, the best place to get away without leaving the city, yadda yadda. If I inherit, (not likely with my dad's second marriage) I would love to move there.

On the way home, we plotted what to do for our 6th anniversary and Dan's mother's need for us to come to her place to clean on our 6th anniversary. I think we worked out a solution. We were going to go back, help her clean, then escape to the jacuzzi romance package at the hotel we went to after our wedding. Then Molly Maids arrived for her, thus we could go back next weekend instead for the requisite grocery shopping and house-cleaning helping visit. So we might be able to rent a cabin, watch movies, have tons and tons of sex while eating chocolate covered brownies by the lake in Minnesota instead. Happy 6th Anniversary to us.

I gotta say, I'm nervous about marriage in general right now. I had a conversation with some family about my aunt: she's getting divorced. He was always kind of a jerk (ok, really a jerk!) but we figured that his recovery from alcoholism was a good step in the right direction. My aunt gave him another chance several years ago, and he seemed to be ok. He still was completely unsupportive of her animal love and sat impassively at the TV while Geri, Dan and I tried to help her with a convulsing Cowboy doggie, but he came to family gatherings and said fond words about my sister and my grandma at her funeral. My grandma always made it clear when he was being an ass and I am sure she might be semi-relieved to see this marriage end. But it also has bad results for my aunt. This time, my uncle came home with a new truck, new swimming trunks that his "sister" gave him. Except it turns out his sister was really his mistress and thus continues on that cycle of an affair and selling the house, boarding or selling the horses, getting rid of the 4 wheeler, etc. Just seems like it doesn't have to go this way for EVERY woman in my family, right? Am I just biding my time until my marriage unravels in front of me, and I'm left trying to scrape together my life at age 54 instead of retiring....

This is going to be just like Smokey and the Bandit

These were Larry's lines to me, after he hopped off Megabus and into my overly-packed civic, while tucking his legs under a plant, a clothes basket and 2 19-inch computer monitors.

After 4 days of moving, at least 14 helpers and 14 bruises later, we are here! My arms are jelly! My eyes are droopy, but I am in Minnesota! I'll confess, it was hard. I got stressed and nervous and flustered. I forgot things that I meant to take care of, had to leave a few things behind, and drank too much at my goodbye party so I felt a bit hung over the next day. I guess 4 drinks is too many for me in 3 hours? Who'd have thought?

But I am reminded of the sincere power of friendship. I can't believe so many people came to help me while Dan was in Ankeny with his mom's neck surgery. It was definitely a controversial moment: Should Dan be with his mother or with me? Both had legitimate concerns, but Dan's an only child and his mom doesn't have siblings she can count on to help, nor does she have a husband. And since I have so many friends nearby to help and her surgery was not just an outpatient deal, Dan had to really be with her.

Larry and I drove the truck & car, and we discovered that leaving KC at 9 pm might require some red bull. We dashed through the store and found someone I knew. It was sort of a touching moment, giving someone a hug goodbye and telling them that it really was my last 20 minutes in the city. Then we drove away, after a few false starts and after stuffing our poor dog into the back and precariously arranging belongings around him.

When we landed here, Larry and I unpacked everything with 2 paid movers, named Hassan and Marco. Hassan hit on me excessively, commented on my strength, and said he would take me to Antigua with him. That's his home country. I hope he wasn't just flattering me for a better tip, because Damn, I want to go to Antigua!

Dan was finally able to squeeze away from the hospital to come up and help us eat a big serving of crab cakes de Larry. Jason and Sara, some old HS friends, decided to stay the night, too, so we had a full house of unpacked moving boxes and a big side of exhaustion.

But we made it, we're 89% unpacked and have already made our baptism trip to Ikea. We purchased nothing...but Ikea is only 5 minutes away should we decide to go back. If you're reading this and you helped me load stuff, I am in your debt.

Roger & me

I started working for Roger & the chapel part time in January of 2009. They had been sans bookkeeper for a month or two, so I had a lot of catching up to do. And coincidently, it was right at the time that I had to study for the series 7 &66, so I was a little overwhelmed. I think this was really when I started to kick myself into overdrive. To be truthful, it was a welcome escape. I had a silent office to go to after the noisy job, I had a place where people respected me and valued the work I was doing and I got to learn something new. It was often intimidating, having to learn an entirely new system with no one to teach me. I was in the chapel when I said goodbye to my grandma over the phone and I was at the chapel when our house was burglarized. Went there when we didn't have a place to go for Easter and spent many evenings over the last 18 months staring at giant portraits of Roger baptizing babies and marrying people.

The chapel has a variety of missions, to uplift Westport, to help plan neighborhood events for children, to plan weddings and baptisms and funerals for people. This year, they also had a memorial service for the unsolved murders and disappearances of people through out the last years in Kansas City. There are photos of people praying around an open grave and lighting candles for those who have been lost in the city to violence. I've really grown to respect the work they do & I feel lucky that I am somehow on the peripheries of people who work quietly and with dignity towards a peaceful purpose.

Sometimes I'll be at work there alone and a stranger will drop by and ask for money, something Roger will freely give if it's evident they're in need. Sometimes people will stop by and ask to go in the Chapel, since they were married there 15 years ago and just stopped by for a quick visit from out of town. I try to oblige them and in the process, I have, too, fallen in love with the location. This year, they are building a peace garden in the back and this year, I was going to be the Easter bunny. I am still tempted to come back and try it.

A few months ago, I was in the office for a moment looking for a file and saw something that made my jaw drop. I didn't believe it, it didn't make sense, it was strange and unusual. But I couldn't ask about it, it wasn't my place, it was an accident that I saw it, so I remained silent and wondered about it over the last few months.

But since I am leaving and since I was saying my final goodbyes, and since it was a quiet day then, I quietly brought up what I had found, prefacing it by saying that it wasn't my business, but I couldn't help but ask.

I had found an envelope indicating my boss was taking care of some business for a serial killer that lived nearby in the 80s. He has been caught and tried and jailed and died in the last 20 odd years. The story that unfolded was surprising, and he started it by saying "I had just come back from Ethiopia, and when I returned, I thought I could do anything...." He told me the story about hiding from the media frenzy, about visiting the prison, about the remorse and then downfall of the perp. It went on for 18 months, and he was there to pick up the pieces. He lost 20 pounds, he had phone calls from jail directly to his house. On and on and on it went, until the end. I sat in silence, trying to comprehend, and it was amazing. "I thought I could do anything, then I realized I was wrong...."

At the end of my tenure here, I mentioned having to move myself, since Dan was in MN already, and I had to pack up the mess. 2 days later, ROger messaged to let me know that instead of paying the maintenance employee to tend the chapel and garden that day, he would pay for him to help me load the moving van. It is sincerely one of the most gracious acts I've received. I hope everyone else can find some place as spiritual as this, for we all seek redemption in some way in our lives.

In case I forget....

6 years of marriage are coming up. I just found some recipe and cards from my wedding shower with advice on how to have a happy marriage.

From Mary Agnes:
Never go to bed mad
Make & keep lots of mutual friends
treat each other with love and respect
talk about any big problems and decisions
worship together, vacation together
work for a common goal
stay close to family


Sally:
Do unto others (husband) as you would have him do unto you
Be the first to say you're sorry
say plenty of times "I love you."
Do special things just for him.

My dad:
1) Be born to a great father
2) Head his advice on life
3) choose your husband well

My mom:
Tell Dan, "whatever you say, dear."
Cheer for the cyclones
Buy a big screen TV.

My aunt Deb:
When he asks how he can help you clean, say "Clean the bathroom."

Metropolis

Our friend, Mike, made me aware of this film's existence several years ago. Then the reprint was discovered and restored. By virtue of good fortune, it's been held over at the Tivoli tonight, so I now have plans to see it. Should be a great way to spend my Friday night alone. At first, I thought it would be a bit boring, but one of those things you should watch for a wholly cultural experience.

I am quite sure it will prove me wrong.

On a side note, there might be another copy in Chile that also holds much of their original print. People with the foresight to predict demise deliberately mislabeled the copy in Chile during the revolution. Makes you think about the value of revolution when the uprising must bring about damage to the global art. Makes you wonder what other weird treasures are hiding in basements, in boxes, in places that no one plans to open.

Oh, Salvador Allende, was it cowardly for you to kill yourself before the mob got to you?

Boo~

Just found out that I have to UNpack everything up in Minneapolis alone, too. Except for Larry, who has vowed to assist me. Boo. Boo.

Dan's mom is having a bone graft and steel rod surgically implanted in her neck due to some ruptured discs and he has to be there for her surgery. Regrettably, her surgery is at the exact same time as our move. Luckily I've been bulking up and getting ready to lift lots of stuff.

Paying someone to do this for me is starting to sound much better!

Moving up & moving on?

I'm writing while sitting on the hardwood floor in the place where my couch used to be. It left behind a whole bunch of dog fur and the cash we got for selling it. I was so excited to buy it and also excited to say goodbye and on to another contemporary set, but perhaps a bit softer and a bit more conducive to the weekend night cuddling sessions on the couch.

Packing the rest of the house is hard. Some things you need, some things you don't, but you want to be sure you don't need it. And you don't know what to do with the barbie set you had since you were little and you don't know if you should really keep the scrapbooking stuff, because you're probably never going to do it again, right?

But the hardest part goes back to the theme I keep repeating, the painful year we finished in 2009. I think I concentrated so hard on being ok after everything happened that I didn't really let myself do the grieving I had to do. So it's hard to pack up the wedding photos and see that 5 people from our rehearsal dinner are dead. It's hard to see photos of my grandparents, because half of them are now dead, and it's hard to see pictures of my parents, because they're divorced. And it's hard to see pictures of Dan's parents, because of his dad. I hid most of our family photos last summer because the reminders were too painful and I'm finding it's still the case while packing everything up.

Yet, it is all ok, because we're so much stronger than we knew. And because I really dont think I'll mind being in an apartment again and because I really want to go shopping for a fun new couch. I am not sure what it means to be stronger now, but I guess it means that a great deal of shit would have to fly my way before I break down. And it means that when things actually go well (See future entry about Roger & me) I'm joyous.

Jessica and Scott are married now and their wedding was great. He wore flipflops, she wore red pumps. He wore a suit, her dress was made on Etsy. They had a potluck dinner, which was 100X better than any other wedding food I've had, mostly because of the hundreds of vegetarian options and mostly because people make their best dishes for it. WIne! It flowed freely, and 4 glasses flowed into my belly. And I wasn't even drunk, which is a shame, because by the end of the night, it was really hard to be the only sober person. I danced alone to the song "Stuck here in the middle with you." I rather enjoy that song, just because I love Reservoir Dogs.

Their wedding was a play instead of a formality where people walk down the aisle with their families and all wear matching dresses. The people that stood up with them explained the story of how they grew up, how they met and how they got engaged. It was a big deal for Jess to get married and a big deal for her to get engaged, and if she ever has children, all of us will be shocked and paint ourselves purple. Doesn't seem that long ago when Jess was dating that bad, bad boy or when she was girlishly waiting for the phone call from the hottie in class. Then there came Scott....

Now I go back to packing. I think tonight it's going to be some of the pillows and blankets and laundry. Here's hoping we have enough boxes!

Jess & Scott

This is the part where I cry happy tears when two sexy people leave the single world and marry each other. WIll post photos.

NPR's short fiction contest

NPR is having a short fiction contest right now. In fact, it's too late to enter, but I kinda want to do my own experiment with it. University of Iowa creative writing grad students are the judges.

The contest must start with this:
"Some people said the house was haunted..."
and end with
"Things would never be the same."

Entries must be 2-3 minutes long and read on the radio. I guess over 5K people have submitted thus far, and UIowa grad students having a great time with the entries. I'm digging it, I'm wishing that I was one of their students, emailing submissions back and forth, and laughing.

Writing is hard work. I have to block out some serious time to develop anything better than these lame blog entries. :)

TS Eliot

I post this poem every year around Christmas on my blog, where it's housed on mulitple formats. My blogging style has changed so very little in the past years. This is mostly pathetic. This year, my TS Eliot poem comes a lot sooner. It seems mostly fitting in the first few stanzas.

"A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The was deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter."
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory,
Lying down in the melting snow.
There were times we regretted
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces,
And the silken girls bringing sherbet.
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women,
And the night-fires gong out, and the lack of shelters,
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly
And the villages dirty, and charging high prices.:
A hard time we had of it.
At the end we preferred to travel all night,
Sleeping in snatches,
With the voices singing in our ears, saying
That this was all folly.

Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley,
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation;
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness,
And three trees on the low sky,
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow.
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.
But there was no information, and so we continued
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory.

All this was a long time ago, I remember,
And I would do it again, but set down
This set down
This: were we lead all that way for
Birth or Death? There was a Birth, certainly,
We had evidence and no doubt. I have seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms,
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation,
With an alien people clutching their gods.
I should be glad of another death.

Taking stock....

It's no secret that Minneapolis is cold. Really cold. Someone insisted to me that it would be about -60 for a few hours there this winter, and not just in windchill, but real temperature. Then they said it would warm up to negative 10. I laughed a little bit. Negative 10, I've seen that plenty of times. Negative 60. Never. I don't believe we'll see that temperature in Minneapolis, but perhaps in Northern Minnesota.

Needless to say, we decided to buy some long underwear and sweaters for the winter, plus I'll need to dress up every day for work and try to be warm. Brr. So today, I bought 3 sweaters and a warm pair of gloves at Eddie Bauer. I have a few warm winter coats from Iowa, but I've found that most of my stuff is for the grungy winter, not for the classy, corporate winter. Will have to dress appropriately up there, complete with puffy, furry hats and skimasks. Hope to send you photos.

So lucky

Ever feel so lucky that you don't deserve it?
I feel like that now, all because a computer program was smarter than me. Way smarter. It solved all of my problems.

I feel like I'm really stupid most of the time, that I'm inefficient, ineffective and a waste of space, that my promotion was just a good dream and my boss will come back from Czech next week and say, "sorry, you suck." My coworker is so much smarter than me, it seems so unfair that she knows things that I don't, that she remembers things that I can't. I just have to try harder, yet I can't imagine trying harder than I do now. It's all in the small stuff, I guess. Here's hoping....

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

I haven't watched this film since 2007, where Dan and I saw it in the theatre. I bought it to replace some of our stolen DVDs. It is the same beautiful film that I remember.

You should see it. At first it sounds depressing, a man who cannot communicate with the world, a soul who can only blink one eye, but listens to people spell the alphabet, then blinks as they say the letter he's thinking of, and slowly, slowly, he speaks sentences.

Yet it has really beautiful themes and frightening, real world themes as well.

-An aging parent, stuck in an apartment at age 92, trying to remember what he wanted to say to his dying son
-A mistress, the lover, who is unable to get over her fear of seeing Jean in his paralyzed state, talking on speaker phone to Jean as the doteful mother of his children listens on and translates what Jean wants to say
-A friend exchanging a plane seat with another friend, only to have the plane be hijacked, resulting in his friend spending 4 years in a captive in Beirut

Yes, it's not the happiest movie, but it is so real. It's reassuring to know that not everyone has the perfect cookie-cutter life. People have real and unexpressed regrets and real accomplishments that the rest of the world may ignore.

The D, the S, the H.

Today I came home from the overtime work and found 5 delightful things waiting for me.
1) Full cup of chai
2) philly roll sushi on our sushi plate
3) Saturday's Star
4) Apple donuts from Lamar's
5) Dan, who had prepared all of these things based on my longings for the last week.
We canceled the paper to prepare for the move and to more easily separate ourselves from the city and it's political battles that we won't be watching up north. Someone mentioned apple donuts and we lamented the sadness that I'd be working instead of snuggling in the morning and grabbing them. And I love chai and sushi.

Now he is sleeping in the other room. Every night, he is sleeping and invariably he awakens and says something silly and funny, forgets it, and goes back to sleep.

Goodbye, Rodna

Rodna was the one that knew I'd love the plaza. (Of course, everyone in this city loves it) She was the one that knew I'd love Westport and the one that gave us some excellent Kansas City advice when we moved to town, even if we didn't listen to all of it and still lived in the city instead of Shawnee. Rodna was the one who took us out to dinner when we didn't know where to go, who bought us the Pryde's giftcard before we knew even what Pryde's was. She and Earl listened so very closely to our woes, told us the history of the city, found our first TV and bought some tools. We stayed with Rodna when we were house hunting, fell in love with the kitties, Razzle and Dazzle, and stayed with her again during our 2 weeks without air conditioning. She and Earl lent us their sledge hammer to destroy our old bathtub and then we were there at the end, when Earl died. We visited Earl in the hospital, she visited us when Don was dying. She called me the second she heard about our break-in July 09 and offered to come over and stay in the house with me, since Dan was back in Iowa. Before Don died, she took Tammy out for a little bit of shopping and her sister babysat the house during the actual burial. And after everything was over and the dying was done and the healing was taking place, she was one of the few people who understood the intricacies of our familial relationships and our intense need to do something fun after a year from hell.

So, in the end, you could say that she was there for us, through all of it. Today we said our temporary goodbyes, for, of course, we will see each other again, just in another city, at a different time, and much less frequently. So, today, you could say that I cried a bit, a little sadder than I was expecting.

Before we left our nice dinner in Brookside, all 3 of us raised our glasses of red wine and said, fondly, "To Kansas City."

That age-old debate....

I guess the city vs. suburbs debate is only about 50 years old. It's coming here, to our lives soon. We could live in the heart of the city, near UM, with free parking and all utilities covered, save for electricity.

Or we could live in the suburbs, but near Dan's office, with free parking and all utilities covered, minus electricity. The cost of each place is the same. Suburban place has 2 pools, 2 saunas and a work-out room.

I feel like I owe it to my husband to give him the shorter commute after 3 years of his terrible and long commute. But at the same time, I commuted for him for about 2 years from DSM to Ames. I think mine was easier though, since the DSM traffic is so light. Hence, I feel a suburbian move is most likely going to happen for us, but the city has been such an integral part of my life that it will be hard to say goodbye to being within blocks of good food. Plus MN has such a great bike path system that we'll be missing in the 'burbs. And I'm afraid of turning into an isolated suburbanite who knows nothing of urban politics or urban planning & development, who is out of touch with reality and culture in a city. These are harsh stereotypes for me to make of suburbanites, I realize, so I should stuff it. :)

Hey, we were going on vacation to San Antonio in October, but I think right now we have to reschedule because it's pretty hard to start a new job then ask for 3 days off--and then drive 7 hours to the airport.

At any rate, we think that I can go, but Dan can't.
Our choices are:

Cancel the whole trip and try to get a refund (not likely)
Sell the tickets to a friend (is it hard to change the names on the tickets?)
Send me to TX and I'll try to find someone else to go in Dan's place? (hard to find a friend with that availability)

I shall call the airline to figure the rest out.

Working like a.....

Chinese hooker!

That's a stupid Celebrity Jeopardy joke, gotta love Burt Reynolds impersonators, right?

It's true, though, I've been working tons of OT. And they just asked if we'd be interested in more OT for next week, including Saturday. I said no to most of it, except for the Saturday part. I'm looking forward to the extra paycheck.

We're thinking about keeping the house and letting some of our friends rent it, which would solve every single possible problem in the entire globe. The only downside is that they might not like the house much since we only have one shower and not so many people like to take a bath in the clawfoot tub daily. Trust me, Dan and I did it for about 6 months. While the bath part is nice, something about sitting in hot water doesn't make you want to rush out the door, invigorated and excited about your day at work! Man, being in Japan was awesome. You could take a hot bath every night, provided you didn't mind reusing the same person's bathwater. It sounds gross, but it really wasn't. THey always let me go first.

And once in Japan, they opened an entire bathhouse to me and let me bathe in it myself, privately. It was salt water and with marble tile everywhere. Sometimes I can't really believe that I did that, so long ago. Wishing I was a bit more mature at 15 to have understood the culture shock phenomenon and not to have been sick with asthma.

Anyway, speaking of mature, I'm not so very excited about certain things taking place back in DSM right now. I guess it's relieving to know that there are more psychotic people in the world than myself? I cannot change them, but I also can't be nice and supportive, either. Some people clearly haven't read the book "How to win friends and influence people." Alas, life goes on and I'm sure that by this time next year, I won't remember what veiled references I was making here, but rest assured it's my family, and none of you, dear friends.

Soon I will make a boring to-do list and everyone can read it.

Teaching?

I was about to blog about how tired I feel, but I am guessing that's just lame and no one wants to read it. But I do feel terribly tired. Normally I can suck it up and do more, but I feel like there is no "more" inside of me right now.

http://motherjones.com/politics/2010/09/back-to-school-dc
I just read this story about the DC children in school and laughed about the teacher's "reeducation." Trying to understand what the kids are saying is a chore in itself. I felt that way when I moved to KC and started riding the bus. I had no possible CLUE what people were iterating near me, and now, after 3 years, I hope I can decipher most of it. I hope this somehow makes me a better person or somehow gives me an edge in the future, but that might just be wishful thinking.

The Romantics

Dan via Bridey told me what Mumblecore means.
I sorta think this movie might exemplify this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7pdC74CtaE


In some ways, this movie trailer freaks me out because I feel like we just got a good group of friends together here and now we're leaving it, before we really get to feel like this all the time. But I think, perhaps, that you can start to feel really close to everyone you meet really fast, if you're the right type of person.

we

We are moving and selling our house. I'm terrified and excited. Mostly I'm excited. Sometimes I'm terrified, but only of myself. Sometimes it's what we're doing if we could do anything in the world, look at us go! And sometimes it's the 1000 acres line about how we could see the beginning of our tragedy now, we just didn't know it at the time.
God, I really love the book "A Thousand Acres." Of course, I'll have to read King Lear soon.

I love seeing people make changes in their life. I love that I can make changes to my life, that I have control over things that happen after all. Really, it took a long time to get there, most major life changes for me happened because of other people. (My dad's job change, Dan's job change, an evil boss at my office.) Holy wow, I'm moving to a place where I can ski and ice skate! I can make myself be whatever I want.

I finally finished our antique ceiling!
Correction: Gray finished one of the sets and I finished the other set.

Then we painted, primed, painted, primed, painted and primed and bought some mirrors for the bathroom and sealed the grout. Though it doesn't sound like much, it really did take all day and I'm exhausted.

Lake, summer, work

I went swimming last night at the lake, had some drinks, sat in the hottub.
Went swimming today at my friend's pool, had only 1 drink, sat in the hottub.

We discussed biodiversity a bit and how to promote non-engineered bio diverse crops. Seems no one had any real ideas. Sometimes I do wish to tell the federal government how to behave. "End or modify agricultral subsidies." "Make your federal employees document the amount of work they are doing each week and if no one is using their work or if they're just incompetent jackoffs collecting paychecks, fire them and hire someone else who will actually try!"

But at any rate, that has nothing to do with swimming. I might go out to the lake again tomorrow, just because lakes are wonderful and so is swimming. Hoping to stop drinking so much though. 3-4 times a week is probably more than I need. This week I drank at trivia, drank at my work dinner, drank at the lake, and just stopped myself from doing it tonight.

Met my new boss at the work dinner and I think she and I can get along pretty well. In fact, I think that I can get along with nearly all of my new bosses since I won't see them very often. I'm working overtime for the next two weeks and I look forward to it after getting the promotion. Cheers!

Vacation at rest

Ever read all of the John Updike Rabbit books? Me either. But I wanted to write Vacation: redux
or Vacation: at rest
or maybe, Vacation: remembered

It would be nice to see how those books go at some point. I know Rabbit: Run is the best. Some friends of mine love them. I sorta think John Updike is a bit too last generation for me, but who knows.

We spent the first part of our vacation at a class reunion. It was mostly like cramming 100 people you went to HS with into a bar and drinking. Tons of faces I didn't recognize. Would not recommend this to others debating about whether or not to go. Our class did not have much cohesion and our class did have a lot of yuppies. Not much has changed, and it's neither good nor bad, just highschool.

Then we did some other stuff in DBQ with family. Visited my grandma's grave, rode the 4th street elevator and ate a nice dinner on the river. I should have talked louder for my grandpa, because he couldn't hear me well and now I feel bad.

Now, now, now, we have returned to finish the bathroom and clean the house like crazy.

Paint

I'm on a mission to find a cream colored paint can from Sears. Bought Habitat's for Humanity Restore's last can and it has NEARLY covered all of our room. Hoping to get another store to match it as close as possible. Sears donated all of their paint to Habitat Restore, so I am pretty much hoping the two slightly different cream colors will not be a problem.

Habitat has some awesome stuff--a $250.00 antique chandelier that matches our woodwork. Tempting, tempting, tempting.

Last night we went out for dessert unexpectedly at Brio with some Kansans. One of them actually said that poor people were lazy and he was being punished for working hard by the government. This is the second time in 2 week that I've had Kansans bitch about the liberal government and taxes. I bite my tongue each time, I bite my tongue. The complainer literally didn't know what WIC was. Then they bashed my neighborhood a bit, which is very insulting. HOwever, some people just don't realize when they're saying something rude and since there was no malice behind it, I brushed it off, as one should.

Thank god we have so many other liberal friends. I wish I knew why I remained so quiet instead of speaking out. Perhaps cowardice? Perhaps because I can only supply anecdotal evidence?

Tonight is my friend's retirement party. He devoted his career to alcohol and drug rehab options for addicts as the director of a non-profit organization and now he's devoting his retirement to PIAC and neighborhood planning/zoning meetings. He and his wife work so very hard and I sincerely doubt they believe the government is punishing them for it.

tattoos

Ahh, yes, there is one thing we forgot to mention about our trip to IA:
We are getting tattoos. Dan's going to tattoo the Amen break on his arm and I'm going to (most likely?) tattoo the Hyde Park Fleur de Lys on my back. Technically, Anne is going to do this for us.

It happened rather unexpectedly. We've been discussing it for months and months, but nothing came of it. For me, it's about the person doing it. I need to find someone that I trust and a place that I trust--and to be honest, I don't have the combo of those things in KC. But my friend from our class reunion ended up working at a tattoo parlor and she's literally one of the smartest women I know. She has a biology degree from UI and worked in a lab researching genetic pathways of oncological treatments for 2 years before she started tattooing. She and Tabitha saved my ass with clean clothes while I was hospitalized at UIowa and creates great artwork, and we took AP Biology together in highschool, where we taught little kids about genetically engineered core-bore repellant corn stalks. SOo I guess you can say that I trust Anne to 1) provide a good design 2) be friendly and diligent and 3) be clean and safe about the entire process. Neither of us wants hepatitis C.

So, stay tuned for photos, though I know my auntie and parents will frown when they see the end results. They say there's no reason for anything permanent.

I think the fleur will be perfect because it symbolizes our first house and all of the energy that I feel I put into the neighborhood.

Though, right now, thinking about the Homes Tour and after-party makes me sick with anxiety, mostly because I know we will have Jess's wedding and bachelorette party surround it, with little time for everything fun we hope to accomplish. Ahh, holy heck, the Homes Tour is a great time!

Iowaaa

I don't want to go back to IA, but I want to see my family.

So these are the things we're doing:
-Going to Grinstead Family Reunion
-Going to 10 year AHS reunion
-Drinking with Mary and JOe and Mike
-Going to Fong's pizza with Tammy and Jennie
-Going to visit my Grandpa and June and Geri
-Playing a game of Arkham with Vic and company in DBQ
-Boating!!!!!!
-Horse riding???

365 days later

I missed the "Don's Death" anniversary post. What can I say, except we can't believe it's been a year? We can't believe how strong we've become? We can't imagine going through that again?

Hospice house is the worst place in the world. It's terrible, oppressive and pretty much hell. I am glad it exists and I understand the need and glad they could find a place that would take care of him.
Cancer is exhausting and painful. It gives you time to process the death, but none of the cliche things they say about cancer are true. It's all a bunch of bullshit, at least it was in this case. Maybe it's easier for some people and each death is different. I'm glad I got to witness it as a younger age, because it helps me make plans for my parents and it helps me to know what can and can't happen in the health care system.

One year or so ago, we sat, after the funeral, after the wake, after the burial, and watched TV, because Don had every single cable package ever. True Blood marathon was on. People would call the house in the morning, early, early, early, and I would curse them. "Don't they know there has been a death? None of us can answer the phone this early!"
And all of us just wanted to sleep, sleep, sleep and forget that in the middle of this sunny day, there was something really terrible happening.

Post Script

PS: I made my first weight goal. It feels great. Now I'm on to the next one!

Minnehahapolis

I made it back to Kansas City after a week away.

I'm not sure what it is about Minneapolis, maybe it's the fact that you can rent bikes there, that there are bike lockers and giant locker holders at every train station. Maybe it's that the Vikings and Twins stadiums are located downtown, right by 3 performing arts centers. Maybe it's the promotion potential or the restaurant we ate in at 3 AM on Friday night. Maybe it's the diverse neighborhoods or the fact that I'm just hungry for more urban exploring, but I loved this city. It could be that there are lakes everywhere, or that some of my good friends live there, but I LOVE it.

Coming back to Kansas City is hard. I forgot about everything, except for Dan and Nitro, and I am sure if they were up there with me and I had all of my stuff, it would have been 10 more weeks before I started to miss the city.

I resigned from my neighborhood post, effective in October. Now that I'm back, there are definite things that I would have missed. My hope isn't to hate on KC. In fact, I wish it all the best of luck. But I do know that to really change it, people have to get even more involved, and I'm burnt out. I feel like I'd either have to leave my job and devote all my energy to this city and improving it or I feel like I have to separate myself from it for awhile before I go crazy. It's been great watching people change it for the better, though, and watching people get recognized for their work. These people are the shining stars of this city and I hope that someday I can make as much of a difference as they have.

BACCK TO MINNEAPOLIS

The point of this blog was the 12 days we spent in MN going through a massive and stressful company conversion back in October after thinking we were going to be laid off for 2 years.

This time, I get to go back to MN and I'm psyched. No roommate this time, thank goodness, but I'm only staying in the hotel for one night, and staying with Georgia for the rest of the time. They live in a distant suburb, which will take me 20 minutes by bicycle and then 1 hour by bus to get to her house from the city. But it is preferred, I think, to not coming up to MN at all.

While I'm completely exhausted with the last few weeks, being overwhelmed by a family visit, a funeral, a bachelorette party, a wedding and then a 60 hour work week (just at my primary job), and helping slightly with the Pilgrim Chapel film festival, I am also looking forward to this trip to Minneapolis.

How does one decide where they want to live? Is Minneapolis the place for me? Certainly, I feel connected to it having visited so much as a child and having family there. I feel more at home up North, even though I hate winter, I can see myself skiing every day. And I can definitely see myself getting promoted, right???

So, Saturday night, I have a hotel room since Georgia was staying at the lake until Sunday. I was trying to imagine what I'd do on Saturday, and the answer has become mostly clear: Sit in the hottub. Swim. Run downtown, check out the rent a bike thing. paint my toenails. read some really, really good books. Watch all the cable TV I can imagine. Order some roomservice.
ANd then, sleep. Endless, uninterrupted, soft-pillow sleep.

I really don't care how boring that sounds. It sounds hella lonely without Dan, but Damn, it's what I need.

Have just finished reading "A Secret History." Lukewarm on it. I don't believe in greek tragedies anymore, perhaps because I'm too honest. Couldn't these characters have just come forward and asked each other an honest question?
A thousand acres was just so much better-Shakespearian tragedies, ftw!

WEdding--and back to normal

SO, my friend is married, the reception hall is cleaned, the presents were delivered and opened, the photos are updated on Flickr and all of the sappy stuff I wrote to her has been viewed. Man, what a day. I think we literally danced until midnight (at the club, not at the reception) and life is now back to normal for me. I am resisting the urge to check all wedding guests' status updates and search for photos from the wedding.

Instead, I will do something that I really, really needed to do: SLEEP.

Welcome back to reality!

Whew.

PS: Tomorrow, at 630 AM, I will be IN the Overland Park office, ready to work. Which means that tomorrow, at 5:50 AM, I will be leaving the house. Which means that tomorrow, at 5:10 AM, I will be waking up.

Haven't done that since I flew to DC in January. Boo.

Going back to Minneapolis

I am spending 7 days in Minneapolis at the end of July! Now I just have to find a place to stay, since I asked my company to send me there and figured I'd have a greater chance of getting approved if they didn't have to provide the ROOM part of the trip. It's hard to concentrate on Minneapolis after a funeral and with a wedding coming right up.

Did I mention that my BFF is getting MARRIED this weekend? It hardly seems real. So I am going to savor all of the moments that one has when trying to imagine their friend getting married soon.

One minute you're laughing

Hahahaha.

I had just finished a great Worlds of Fun and Oceans of Fun day with Jade, Ryan, Mom, Brandon. The trip to the park was great and lasted all day, and I'm sure I walked 4000 miles and went on roller coasters that were faster than the speed of light. Turns outwe were just packing up the car when I got a text message from Dan. I'd been secretly hoping that I could make a trip back to IA, somehow compact NItro and myself into the Explorer and squeeze with 4 people in the back seat, but realized that working on some house projects and actually resting might be better for me. But the text message said "Please call me, Andy overdosed last night."
So I called him.
"Hey, did you listen to my voicemail?"
Me: No, what did it say? I just checked my phone, you said Andy overdosed?
Dan: Well, Andy did overdose and he's dead!
me: Dead? He's DEAD?
I turn to my mom to tell her, and then run upstairs and talk to Dan a bit more. I think I said something like "Dead/dead? like no return?" As if there were some other type of dead?

And then it was true, but no one knew how yet or why or when or who or any of those other details that you somehow need in order to piece together a puzzle of someone you used to know. Such began the arrangements of pulling the suitcases, funeral clothes, dog food, wrapping up work and packing everything into a car to go to a funeral for someone who is only 18. Turns out the funeral can't be until later because it takes awhile to get the body back from the coroner and the autopsy and all of that.

In the interim, I kept looking at my brother and sister and imagining how terrible it would be to die if you were only age 18. I couldn't say no to many of their requests, kept wanting to indulge them for as long as I could. My sister must have somehow sensed this fear I was having and decided she would try sushi for the first time, after all.
I guess it's the little things that make life better.

Return home!

I made a whirlwind trip this weekend and am back home. I went and spent some serious time (ie: more than 1 hour) in my hometown, Cedar Falls, IA. It's still weird to look around at things when you're at an adult height. Nothing is as imposing or scary. Everything is cardboard, cookiecutter, just like you left it. (My neighborhood there was built in the 1970s). There's the weird memories of learning how to swim, seeing your elementary school, driving by the old track. There's the experience of replacing my turquoise encrusted apple ring for the 4th or 5th time, just like every time.

Some people stay where they grew up, and some move away. I was forced to leave, and I didn't want to, and I was lucky enough to come back to CF for this visit, and loved it. Some people get to continue to see their piano teachers, babysitters, old coaches and former teachers, and their lives are richer because of it. While I'm not given that luxury, I don't mind as much anymore. I realize that I have my own memories of everyone and they've largely forgotten me, so perhaps there is no point.

So, this weekend, I took stock of what has changed for me:
1) The old swimming pool. It's covered in grass and trees now, largely vanished. Alisha and I spent most of our 14th summer there. I recall the silly things we did, searching for an extra nickel for an extra jolly rancher, following the ridiculous kid around with the green snorkeling kit, searching for reasonably cute boys, who were not there. I remember wondering if I'd EVER get a boyfriend, if I'd EVER become pretty, like everyone else, and wonder what else I could possibly do to be thinner. The pool has been replaced by a bigger one, with infinite water slides, water drops/splashes, a high dive, a regular diving board, a drop slide, karaoke, and it costs $6.00 for entrance. 6 DOLLARS? I used to go for $1.25. So I took full advantage of this pool, mostly by using the high platform (got stuck at the end in intense fear!), I DOVE off of the springboard diving board, a very rare occurrence. I slid down the 4 foot drop slide and plunged into 12 foot water, and I played a bunch with my friend's kids. They're adorable and still learning how to swim and the concept of holding their breath underwater is still foreign. I still remember how bravely Jade plunged through the water at the old pool, my little sister fish.

Children, I'm not sure I want them. I like playing with my friend's kids, but the full-time commitment they bring does not elicit joy for me. Perhaps I will never really be ready for them. I have become OK with this. Sacrifice was never for me, Jesus Christ, I am not.

Anyway, I went to the town festival and suddenly realized how many Victorian houses Cedar Falls has. (LOVE IT!) We drank beer, which would make my husband proud, and I began the intricate and impossible work of an old friendship and it's disrepair or confusion. We hadn't seen each other at all for 3.5 years. And suddenly, we were interacting. What can one do? I chose to ride the upside down galleon carnival ride. Mine really had duct tape holding part of the cage together. I went in anyway. 7 minutes later, I realized I had no idea what up or down and that my stomach was not, in fact, located in my left ear. My skirt flew up about 90 times and I was caught in the beautiful-up-side down view of downtown Cedar Falls. I tried to remember it, for posterity. Perhaps the other riders found it as beautiful as I did. Iowa holds many secrets.

Slept and awakened, courtesy of MIke Drahaus. His life is very different now, and that's a good thing. It's weird to see what people make of their lives. They become small town celebrities, masters in martial arts, and it's beautiful. I live an anonymous life in the city, wishing for recognition, and someone goes out and just does it. Power, power. Everyone in Iowa was whitebread, so few hipsters. I didn't feel out of place at all, I just wished I was thinner.

My cousin got married in the Strayer-wood Theatre. It's another place where I used to be, where I watched the play "noises off" and laughed my ass off, and had a few introductory theater experiences. It was a beautiful wedding though. She's my stepcousin, I guess, and we aren't yet close. I'd love to get to know her better. I can't really say which bride she was most like, but it was gorgeous, and I cried during her wedding. Hearing someone soar over the musical notes "At last" with bravado and gusto can do that to you! Then we danced and danced and danced and there was karaoke and more drinking and I loved it.

Weekends like this make life worth living. Coming home to my husband and our house after a weekend away makes life even richer. I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky to live this long and I wonder why more people don't hurl themselves from the high dive, dance like no one really is watching, propel themselves upside down and giggle the entire time.

I had a dream there's a boat that I own

20' Yamaha LS 2000

Yes, please.

Looking for someone to go halfsies on this. Totally worth it:

http://www.yachtworld.com/core/listing/pl_boat_detail.jsp?&units=Feet&id=2228252&lang=en&slim=broker&&hosturl=doublediamond&&ywo=doublediamond

walked 2 miles, ran 1.5 (lame, but I'm trying to improve my speed, not my distance)

Lifted a bunch of weight, could barely walk up the stairs to my house.

And survived.

what if I punched you?

In the face?

Saturday, 2 people told me that I looked like I'd lost about 10 lbs. The first person made me want to hug them and I grinned for 2 minutes.

The second person made me want to punch them and I spent 2 minutes trying to not listen to words that were coming out of her mouth.

Nonetheless, Saturday rocked.

Perfect Saturday, indeed

Well, all of what I said about not getting a dessert didn't happen. Oops! I drank 2 glasses of wine, had bread, ate 1/5 of my entree and returned the rest to Dan. I think I ordered the thai chicken or something. Peanut sauce does it for me every time.

Yesterday was an awesome day. We started with trash: I babysat the leaf/brush dumpster with Gene while poor Dan unloaded a bunch of bulky item trashy things from our basement. Goodbye, old storm windows, futon mattress, old wrapping paper, paper bags full of paper bags, and miscellaneous crap we're not planning on using...EVER.

That ended, it thunderstormed, so instead of watching a World Cup game at the Power and Light, we went to a Tivoli movie with Catherine Keener called "Just Give." Talked about Toy Story 3, but that was a bit too light for us and talked about "Winter's Bone", but that was a bit too dark. This movie was great, but there's a pretty sad scene about a grandmother that dies which is a bit hard to handle given all of the death lately. As we were leaving, we ran into some neighbors who did see "Winter's Bone." I guess it's quite suspenseful, very good, but it makes you never want to visit rural MO. ;)

Left the theatre, went to GLACE ice cream. YUUUMMMM. You can sample 3 of their funky flavors, so I had peanut butter & jelly, venezuelan chocolate and Caramel de Sol. And there's still 1/2 of it in the freezer, waiting for me.

Then we went home, walked over to Holmes street for Party with a Purpose. It's an AIDS fundraiser and it was the first time I'd been. 3 houses had their first floors open. They're all great houses and one is on the tour this fall for all 3 floors. I mean, stunning houses, with built in wine refigerators, circular stair cases, A-MAZE-ING glasswork. The house with the best glass pretty much knocked me out while I was standing at the front door. The house is for sale. My guess was 390K, but it's listed at 437K. Oops. Anyway, the party was cool. Lots of good neighbors, some political whos-who, and some wine. It's so hot outside, I really can't imagine eating or drinking at all, but it worked.

Bess and Jim called us at the same time we called them, so we went to the dog park. It was Skye's first trip and she did quite well. Then we had MORE food back at B&J's house. I definitely over think some things sometimes, but I'm hoping it turns out OK in the end.

Cheesecake Factory

I haven't been there in at least 5 years, but tonight I will sign off of work, dress nicely, walk to the plaza, make a reservation for 17 people and sit, drinking water, crunching on lettuce and wait for an hour or so for all 17 people to arrive.

There will be no cheesecake for me, nor desserts of other kind, nor sweet martinis, for I am on the quest to prove that people are happier when thinner.

The last time I was there was before the stock split, before the unsplit shares were just 3 or 4 dollars per share. For some reason, I have an idyllic memory of driving to Des Moines, going to Olive Garden, watching my friends drink an entire bottle, watching them buy more, drinking it in the car, laughing with Dan, driving over to Cheesecake factory because we were still hungry for dessert after eating Italian and shopping for books. Yes! I do want a 9 dollar martini! YES! I do want a dessert or 2 to share with my friends. No, I don't care that it's 11 pm and I work at 8 tomorrow and still have to drive home for an hour. No, I don't care about gaining weight. Yes, my cute clothes still fit!

Anyway, tonight's little meeting should be OK. I've seen my coworkers more than I expected in the last few weeks. Last night, I met with the Jackson County legislator candidates and the candidates for our district of State Senate. One person thought the biggest problems facing our neighborhood was check cashing stores and pawn shops. Then he later said that gay and lesbians aren't good role models for children in foster care. I love hearing shocked gasps and seeing indignant faces in the crowd. We are perhaps, not used to hearing an honest opinion from a politician.

I guess we have to give him credit for being honest, but I'm guessing 0 people in the room agreed with him.

As long as there are no gasps of horror and shock in the work meeting tonight, all will be well.

WEnt back to IA for the weekend. In my alternate reality, I dove into the lake, swam 5 yards before I surfaced, water glistening and swam around in heaven. In actual reality, I climbed in with a life jacket on. It felt great. At first it was cold, but after the first few minutes, the water is really heaven. Much clearer than normal, few boats were out. I skied and tubed. My sister couldn't come because she as at work and Dan couldn't make it because his mom is recovering from a concussion and needed some help. Not as much fun without him, but DJ Steve came, too, and was able to get up on skis on his first try--though he has skied several times in the past, it's been a few years.

Marilynne Robinson DID come

And I was there to see her. And ask a question.
She read a passage of Housekeeping that I wasn't familiar with, having not read that section of the book yet. When I got to it, I read it, then pondered, and reread it. Here it is:
Imagine a Carthage sown with salt, and all the sowers gone, and the seeds lain however long in the earth, till there rose finally in vegetable protrusion leaves and trees of rime and brine. What flowering would there be in such a garden? Light would force each salt calyz to open in prisms, and to fruit heavily with bright globes of water--peaches and grapes are little more than that, and where the world was salt there would be greater need of slaking. For need can blossom into all the compensation it requires. To crave and to have are as like a a thing and its shadow. For when does a berry break upon the tongue as sweetly as when one longs to taste it, and when is the taste refracted into so many hues and savors of ripeness and earth, and when do our senses know anything so utterly as when we lack it. And here again is a foreshadowing--the world will be made whole. For to wish for a hand on one's hair is all but to feel it. So whatever we may lose, very craving gives it back to us again. Though we dream and hardly know it, longing, like an angel, fosters us, smooths our hair, and brings us wild strawberries.

Portland

Portland was great. Looking at our photos makes me sad that we're back. The room was a suite in a central part of downtown, with a beautiful view and a great king sized bed. We went with really nice friends, met more friends of ours there, ate lobsters, oysters, donuts de Voodoo, and some other restaurant that I can't remember.
We bought books and idolized Powell's, saw the most beautiful water falls and scenery ever, visited the Chinese Gardens, toured the city, saw the bar that our friend just opened, finally met Darryl, played and drank at an arcade/bar, ate Bulkogi at a food cart, and best of all, went Whitewater Rafting.

In the end, I determined that I'm not really interested in living in Portland for life. It would be a nice change of pace and was reassuring that the suburbs even cater to pedestrians, just like the city does, but there were far too many homeless people wandering the streets and I'm pretty sure that we'd never be able to buy a house there, and in the end, it would probably just be too far from family. Plus, I hate to say this, but our art museum is better than theirs. Of course, the Portland exhibit didn't have any temporary exhibits while we were there, and I will say that their R. Crumb comic exhibit of Genesis is something I'd definitely go to see.

Anyway, here are some great photos from the trip.

I thought I was mature

But then Dan went back to grad school and I realized I am still a bit self-centered. Lame. I miss the attention and find myself grumpy that homework is getting more attention, even though I realize it's very necessary. Trying to busy myself with decopaging the door, restaining the other door, varnishing the hand rails, painting and priming the new gate, checking the plants, cleaning the house, walking the dog, watching Buffy, but in the end, none of these things = Dan.
So now I need to find something else to do. I hope I'm not self-absorbed, immature. Maybe it's the working from home thing.....

Flyers....3...2...1 FLY

We went to Worlds of Fun on Sunday, in the rain. In 50 degree weather. And it was awesome! Something about plummeting at 75 MPH and not feeling your butt touch the seat because of the momentum just does it for me every time. Ahh, the rush of your face peeling back against the wind, not even being able to scream because you're going so fast. That's what sky diving is like.
Sure, after awhile, your head hurts and you can't tell which way is up and maybe you feel a bit queasy eventually. But I love it.

The ripcord was there, taunting me. It said, "Remember when I was so expensive you couldn't buy me? Well, now you're all grown up and you can do it. Let me take you on a ride... please."
I said, "yes, ripcord. yes. I want you to let me fly really f***ing high and it's going to be great." I bounded over to the line like a little kid and signed myself, Virginia and Johnanne for an awesome ride. Johanne and Virginia had done it before, but I was a n00b. Dan waited for me, holding my stuff. I really nearly felt like I should say goodbye to him before I did it, just in case. But there was no time, we were next on the list, getting fastened into a series of chains and cords and suits and me asking if anyone has ever peed on the ride. The answer is yes, but not very often.

Then we did it. We were pulled back into the longest, tallest tower by a giant bungee cord. I started turning red. And it was starting to get really f***ing scary. Honestly, I didn't think it was going to stop at all. But it did. They warned us about getting to the top, and how they would say: "Flyers! 3-2-1 FLY! Then one of us (johnanne) would pull the cord that cut us loose and let us fly across the entire park.
Until we passed the map for the first time, we had to keep our arms crossed, then we could fly.
And fly I did.
It was almost as awesome as skydiving.

...and the holy grail

I'm not sure what specifically gives MY life meaning. I know other people find it through their kids or their work or their hobbies, or religion or even nationalism. But I haven't yet. Some hobbies are fun, but mostly I just clean the house, watch stupid stuff on the internet and read. It's hard to feel attachment to these things. Of course, sometimes literature provides meaning, or illuminates it, but mostly it confirms for me that life is arbitrary. Maybe it's the books I'm choosing. :)

Maybe my life has a lot more meaning then I've been allowing for though, too. So here's some stuff that I like and perhaps that will help me nail it down.
-like improving the house and lawn
-like the volunteer work we do within the neighborhood
-like the people in my life, though perhaps I don't show enough appreciation for them
-LIKE MONEYYYYY. Yes, it's true. I love the green stuff. I want to make more of it. I want it to be fruitful and multiply so I can do the dumbest things with it. Man, superficial indeed.

It's just that I don't do the value-added stuff enough and instead spend a lot of time working and sleeping. Or maybe that's just the last weekend.
I need to write more, develop myself more, take more time away from work. yessss.

10 days

It's only been 10 days, so I'm not sure why I am so anxious about the admission status. But I guess I figured they woudl review my fiel and just wait eagerly for the GMAT score to come in and then let me know if I made it into the program right away.
It does not work like this.
So, I guess I just have to keep waiting. I check my status every day and keep hoping and hoping that my admission link for acceptance will show up on their site, but every day it says it's not ready.

It's the most exciting part of my day sometimes, wondering what the future will hold for me.

Marilynne Robinson & Doris Lessing

I've been stalling on reading "Housekeeping" by Marilynne Robinson. It's because I'm afraid! I wept while reading her first novel, Gilead. Gilead won a Pulitzer, and I was altered by it, it was then that I first realized how different, yet rich, life could be if you didn't travel much, if you lived your whole life in Iowa and Kansas, grew old there and died. I read it before we moved or even had an inkling of moving near Kansas, right after my grandmother had died, so I knew I was a bit sentimental during the course of events. It's a story of aging and remorse and dignity and love, of fear, and beauty in the every day life. It's the story of John Ames, a 76-year-old who begins writing a good bye letter to his son, since he has congestive heart failure. His son is only 8 or 9, and this is John Ames's last chance to include everything he wants to send in a letter to his child. John is a minister and his best friend is also a minister, in their small Iowan town, Gilead. John Ames has one person in his life that he doesn't much care for, and of course, that person returns to town and tries to reconcile with him, with disastrous results. You spend most of the book trying to figure out what the person did to make John Ames so contemptuous and the rest of the book trying to forgive and understand. Then you make it to the end, so lovely, and rich, you want to curl up inside of every Iowan aspect of your life. You want visit your grandparent's house and search for the essence of your childhood, the time when you really all did play cards until midnight at age 10 while eating strawberry shortcake and wondering whose turn it was, back when the people you played with were still alive and/or could still remember you.

Even recalling the book, I'm crying! But it has a sequel, "Home", where you see the other side of the story, from the antagonist of John Ames's perspective. The person that has taunted John Ames is his namesake, John Ames Boughton, the son of his best friend. He comes back to Gilead, Iowa, to live with his sister and father and try to make peace with his life. I wept at the end of that book, too, and I must confess it does have a most surprising ending.

I must allow myself to read this book, Marilynne's first, called Housekeeping. It was featured at the library as a National Endowment for the arts reading selection. I'm afraid though, to open that small part of my soul and experience more beauty again. It's easier to keep it closed and far less painful. I will lose sight of everything in pursuit of this book!

Doris Lessing wrote a brief review of this novel, and I feel like I did when I first saw that Marilynne Robinson taught Curtis Sittenfeld: Surprise, yet of course it made sense. Of course Doris Lessing would love this book and of course Marilynne Robinson's readers would overlap with Doris Lessing's. Doris has had an amazing life, and I wonder how two such vastly different upbringings could match.
I wonder if it's possible to go to Sunday church in Iowa City and see Marilynne Robinson. I wonder if she checks her fan mail, if she likes any of it.
ANd, I just tweeted this, but does anyone wonder why they spend their time doing anything OTHER than reading, writing and having sex?

INSOMNIA

I blame the chai. After spending all day feeling exhausted, taking a nap, taking a walk, and trying to work some more while still feeling exhausted, I thought I would put myself to bed early. The problem is that I can't fall asleep without someone sleeping next to me: Dan.

So I waited until he was ready for bed and now I feel wide awake. But more the tired-wide-awake version, like I'm so tired that I can't sleep. I read some of the cello suites, a really good book, but still couldn't sleep. Read all of my favorite websites for the 1000000000 time, no luck.

Yesterday, the old creep came back to me: the feeling that everything is going so well and that I am so lucky, something bad must be right around the corner. Haha. We can at least laugh that feeling off now. The worst has already happen, nothing more could go wrong. (knock on wood.)

Minneapolis seepage

I started this blog to just chronicle some of the foodie and scenester stuff from my 12 days in Minneapolis.
Looking back, it's been about 6 months since we came back and adapted to the new job. Seriously, it's been a rough 6 months, but I guess everything in life is hard, right?

Anyway, I'm not sure why I started here on blogspot again, but figured everyone else has blogspot, so I might as well join in.

We're having a rainy day, which means I had to go rescue some potted plants and check on the garden. Our plants can't handle 4 hours of rain. Tomatoes, Azealas and annual flowers are growing as planned. Even our fescue is coming in, which is a welcome relief. Growing the garden is a bit more permanent for me. It's sort of amazing to realize we've lived here for 3 years and are just now starting to grow stuff. But when we recap, it was basically impossible to do ANYTHING last summer other than just survive and the first summer was spent just moving in and trying to get basic stuff replaced, like...the heat pump that was stolen.

So, now that I'm here, I'm taking stock of KC. For better or worse, we are here. Dan is going to finish his MS at KU and I'm going to start my MBA at UMKC, god willing. If I get rejected, it will be so humiliating. Please, don't laugh at me if this happens! Seems like the last few people I added as friends on Facebook are in MInneapolis, and my aunt just said that she would visit me so much more if we lived up there, since that's where her sister in law live. In some ways, we might like MN more just because we have some nice friends there and the culture seems to be a bit more liberal.

In the end though, we're growing a garden, and of all of the things that makes me feel like I'm nesting a bit more down here, that's a big one. After I moved here, my friend asked me how I could still be in denial about living in KC even after we bought a house. I didn't have an answer, but I know it was true for awhile. Everything happened so quickly and it seemed like none of it was my choice. Now though, I am relieved to be out of Iowa. I dread going back. I dread spending my birthday there and I am pretty sure that just last summer I missed Iowa so profusely that the thought of coming back to KC was hideous. How things change....
Maybe I dread Iowa so much because I'm afraid of the nostalgia, the creepy roots that bind me back to family, houses and ghosts of those I used to know and love. Maybe I'm not afraid to face them all because losing people last year was too much and I just want a break.

Or maybe I really am happy down here, and I guess only time will tell!